Helping Others

It is an innate desire, perhaps need, to be helpful to others.  Contribution is an essential energy that flows into significance and love/connection.

But…there is nothing more exhausting than trying to help someone who doesn’t want help.  For both sides! 

So, what do you do?  It’s a fact that people will tell you their problems.  It’s also a fact that it doesn’t mean they want your help.  

One more fact…some people even make a career out of complaining about their life.  And are committed to NOT doing something different (the only way to get a different result!).

There are others who are clearly heading into disaster, yet don’t see the negative direction. 

We can still be helpful to those people, and all people, while protecting your energy from chronic complainers…what to know how?  Let’s take an example.

Carol is struggling with depression, fatigue, and muscle pain all over.  When she calls, she does nothing but complain about her health, her husband, kids, job, politics, food, and anything she can think of.  You are exhausted by the time you end the call, not because of the complaining, but because you want to help her, and either strain to not say anything (because you know how poorly it has gone), or you actually try to convince her to do something different, which didn’t go well…AGAIN.  

The first thing you have to change is your mindset.  Realize that everyone has pain (of some sort), and that their growth process is dependent on that pain reaching a certain threshold (level) which will lead to a DECISION to change.  So your best and most loving intention toward their healing and growing is to INCREASE their pain!  

So the next time she calls, instead of waiting and dreading the complaining, you lead the conversation…right into her pain.  

“Hi, Carol, how are you doing?…last time you mentioned that your husband never helps you and your back is so painful you can barely stand for a few minutes……really, no better…and probably a bit worse.  That must be horrible…frustrating…exhausting…horrific…”

Yup…instead of comforting or reassuring, you amplify the pain using powerful words to empathize with the pain.  The results you get is how you define how well you do, right?  Well, if she says, “Well, it’s not quite that bad.”  …then you are an over achiever!  

If the person is an “innocent” pattern (counts on the best and is not facing the reality of pain), this is exactly what they need.  Keep asking and inquiring… “Wow, that knee looks bad…you look exhausted…”

That is exactly what they need.  Keep their attention on the problem.

If the person is a “complainer,” then the next step is what they really need.  They need to notice that what they are doing is not working.  They need to notice that it is critical that they do SOMETHING differently.  You still need step one, because, as I mentioned, they have to reach a threshold of pain to make that decision.

Step two is checking resources.  “What are you doing about that?”

You will discover a couple patterns here.  One is another variant of the innocent. “I’m doing what my doctor says.”  Another is the martyr pattern.  “Well, what can I do, this is how it is.”  

Pattern one needs step 3A:  “How is that working?”  They need a reality check.  And your intention at this point is to amplify failure.  Not a criticism, just the awareness that what they are doing is not achieving their desires.  

“Are you feeling better…is he communicating better…is it improving…what do you think is missing?”

And, of course, if she says she is feeling better with her resources, you just stay there.  If the complaint comes again, you ask… “I thought you said you were improving…is it still getting better?  Oh no, that is horrible, etc….back to step one (amplify the pain), and start over.  

Pattern two needs step 3B: “Do you think that anybody, ever, has solved that problem?”  They need a model.  (no, not Sports Illustated swimsuit models…somebody to model their behavior after).  And your intention at this point is to amplify possibility.  Not a solution, just the possibility of a solution.

“Do you think there is a solution…what do you think it might be…who has overcome depression…what do you think they did…do you think that might work for you…why (not)…”

We are at step 3, and it is important to note that you never move forward a step if you don’t have a green light.  If they don’t see the problem, you stay at step one.  “Wow, that looks painful…wow, that looks painful.”  Repeat and repeat.  

If they have a resource, you only ever notice the resource.  “How is that going?”

If they are stuck, you only ever notice positive models.  “I read an article about so and so beating depression.”

Step 4 is so critical to your energy!  You have to ask if they want your help or opinion!  And only if they acknowledge the pain, and agree that what they are doing is not working.  

“Would you like my opinion (help)?”

“No.”  Back to step 2.  “Well, what are you going to do?”

“Yes.”  That’s a green light for step 5.  Are you prepared?  Can you help them?  Absolutely.  They are here because you are the right person.  But don’t just give them opinion…give them experience.  If you don’t have experience with their problem, give them an expert.  

“Here’s what I did…or…here’s a book written by someone who overcame your situation.”  Other resources to provide might be a doctor, therapist, minister…anyone with specialized knowledge in solving her problem.  

Rinse and repeat.  

Carol calls again…this time it is her kids.  She complains…and complains.  And you are ready.  “Wow, that sounds horrible…frustrating…exhausting…mind boggling.  What are you going to do?  Oh, how wonderful…let me know how that works.  It’s not working…Oh, no…what will you do next?  Is that working?  Terrible, you must be incensed!  What will you do next?  Not sure…would you like my opinion…?”

Just remember…you had to reach a certain level of pain to ask for help.  And quite possibly, your first resource didn’t work, and kept you looking.  So, don’t stress over their problem…amplify it and get them looking too.  

If you find ANY situation that doesn’t move forward using this process, email me and I’ll see if I can figure out some other patterns and solutions. 

Don’t Help Someone Who Doesn’t Want Help!

Chances are, you have heard me say this before.  Well, this weekend I witnessed the PERFECT demonstration of the negativity and “bad energy” of trying to do just this (helping)!

Every summer, Asheville hosts a music and arts festival called Belle Chere.  On one particular corner, there is a clash between a group of people representing Christianity, and a group of people representing something like, “Don’t Judge Me.”  (add expletives)

Now don’t make this about Christianity or Judgment.  I think Christianity can have a beautiful and comforting message when delivered in the right way (which may be different for different people). 

And, I think judgment is a personal choice (yup, we choose and allow judgment personally…100%)…even a bullhorn cannot make you good or bad, it’s always an inside job.  

This is about a horrible exchange of energy.  One side sees a group destined for suffering.  They choose to be “helpful” by shouting (bullhorns) into their faces, “you’re wrong.”  The other side feels judged, and makes signs saying “you’re a bleep-bleep” and by screaming back in their faces.  

Oh, so clear to see…bad communication…harmful energy…

But wait…apply this directly to you.  Chances are the actions and results in your own life are not so obvious.  You are not shouting in someone’s face (are you!?).  

Wherever and whenever we get defensiveness in response, we are lacking resourceful communication and influence.  Defensiveness is anything OTHER than COOPERATION.  (Sorry for the shouting)  It could just be ignoring you, for example.  

Let’s go back to the extreme examples.  I might advice the Christian side to put more energy into “modeling.”  Be the person that people look at and say… “Wow, I want to be more like that.”  

I’d advise that they amplify the pain.  Notice the struggle or negative behavior.  “I see that the amount of alcohol you drink causes you to bump into other people…and some get mad…how do you feel about that?”

I’d advise that they empathize.  “That sounds terrible…I know how you feel…last year at Belle Chere, I shouted at everyone using a bullhorn…boy did some of them get mad…it felt horrible.”

I’d advise that they ask for permission.  “May I offer you some advice from my experience?”

I might advise the judged side to put more energy into modeling.  (Be happy and secure).  Amplify the pain. (Clearly someone with a bullhorn is pained by not being heard…Hmmmm…)  Empathize.  (It’s fine, I remember how unreasonable I was when nobody would listen to me about…)  And if they couldn’t help themselves, and had to say something, to ask for permission to advise.  (I have my doubts this would work though…I’d stick with not hearing them).

Any ideas how to apply that to more subtle “lack of cooperation?”  Kids, spouse, work, etc.?

Weight Loss Experiment Continued

It’s time to commit again.  I don’t know many people who don’t have 5 or 10 pounds to lose, or would like to shed some inches, so this is pertinent to most people.  It is also pertinent to you because of the process.  The process of observation, changing variables, and being curious…is the process to solve any problem or achieve any health goal (any goal for that matter).  

Last time, I committed to a supplement list, six minutes of exercise, and an additional minute of exercise for every indulgence (carb intake of 15 grams).  I didn’t commit to being better with diet.  I have some good habits that are easy for me.  Veggie smoothie, extra greens and veggies, and regular protein intake.  

You can see the 30 day results here.  And the exercise video here.

I didn’t see the fat loss on the scale or body fat analyzer as I had wished, but the photos did reveal some improvement.  

The very important positive is that I kept the exercise regimen pretty consistently, which is what the ultimate goal is…find positive habits that you will do and keep.  Overall, I’d call it a success, but not everything I was shooting for.    

So, time to change some variables.  One variable I am curious about is a “weight loss” supplement called L-Carnitine.  Carnitine is an amino acid found in protein foods, particularly red meat (have you fallen for the red meat is bad myth?).  It is used in supplement form to burn fat, repair cardiac and skeletal muscle, and even has a study showing it reverses the damage to the heart occurring during and after a heart attack. 

Another variable is HIT.  High Intensity Training.  In keeping with the concept of avoiding over-committing, I am committing to an additional minute of high intensity training.  That would be one set of “power jumps” or a sprint for 30 seconds.  I don’t have any research handy on HIT, but I like the idea of going full speed a little bit each day.  Kids often run as fast as they can, but adults often never reach a slow jog.  Same concept as the get ups (lying flat on the floor and getting up…straight up), if you keep doing these activities, you never end up not able to do them. 

The last variable I will change is diet.  Yup, just a little.  I generally indulge to the tune of 30-40 servings per week.  I’m going to reduce that total to 25-30…still plenty of room for beer, chips, chocolate (my favorites), but a good 150 calorie decrease on average.  And, I will still pay off my indulgences with extra protein, a set of exercises for each, and an extra shot of an herbal detox blend per indulgence.  

My past supplement protocol was pretty intensive…lots of pills.  This time I will be using an herbal detox blend (one bottle!) that has milk thistle, burdock, culvers root, and schizandra.  I always take fish oils, and I find the NAC pretty important (especially with beer consumption).  I hold firmly to the genetic concept (from Dr. Bruce Ames) and will stick with the Vitamin B6 (this is based on observational experience, not just a concept or idea).  

I will also remain curious and excited to see the result.  If you want to increase stress and really mess up your results, well then, have heavy expectations.  If you want to have fun and decrease stress, be a curious scientist.  

The results are pretty clear in a weight loss experiment…body shape, body fat, and weight are the outcomes.  In a health experiment, we use other factors, such as neurological testing, lab testing, and symptom improvement…but the concept is the same.  Change a few variables (not randomly, but based on accumulated wisdom), and have some outcome assessments.  If it doesn’t work, change some more variables.  

This is exactly what we provide to our clients…specialized knowledge of variables, specialized knowledge of reading outcomes, and guidance to live a fun and interesting experiment called life.  Whether your hurdle is weight, energy, pain, or other symptoms or conditions, this is a great way to accomplish your goals…with a high probability of success!