Helping Others

It is an innate desire, perhaps need, to be helpful to others.  Contribution is an essential energy that flows into significance and love/connection.

But…there is nothing more exhausting than trying to help someone who doesn’t want help.  For both sides! 

So, what do you do?  It’s a fact that people will tell you their problems.  It’s also a fact that it doesn’t mean they want your help.  

One more fact…some people even make a career out of complaining about their life.  And are committed to NOT doing something different (the only way to get a different result!).

There are others who are clearly heading into disaster, yet don’t see the negative direction. 

We can still be helpful to those people, and all people, while protecting your energy from chronic complainers…what to know how?  Let’s take an example.

Carol is struggling with depression, fatigue, and muscle pain all over.  When she calls, she does nothing but complain about her health, her husband, kids, job, politics, food, and anything she can think of.  You are exhausted by the time you end the call, not because of the complaining, but because you want to help her, and either strain to not say anything (because you know how poorly it has gone), or you actually try to convince her to do something different, which didn’t go well…AGAIN.  

The first thing you have to change is your mindset.  Realize that everyone has pain (of some sort), and that their growth process is dependent on that pain reaching a certain threshold (level) which will lead to a DECISION to change.  So your best and most loving intention toward their healing and growing is to INCREASE their pain!  

So the next time she calls, instead of waiting and dreading the complaining, you lead the conversation…right into her pain.  

“Hi, Carol, how are you doing?…last time you mentioned that your husband never helps you and your back is so painful you can barely stand for a few minutes……really, no better…and probably a bit worse.  That must be horrible…frustrating…exhausting…horrific…”

Yup…instead of comforting or reassuring, you amplify the pain using powerful words to empathize with the pain.  The results you get is how you define how well you do, right?  Well, if she says, “Well, it’s not quite that bad.”  …then you are an over achiever!  

If the person is an “innocent” pattern (counts on the best and is not facing the reality of pain), this is exactly what they need.  Keep asking and inquiring… “Wow, that knee looks bad…you look exhausted…”

That is exactly what they need.  Keep their attention on the problem.

If the person is a “complainer,” then the next step is what they really need.  They need to notice that what they are doing is not working.  They need to notice that it is critical that they do SOMETHING differently.  You still need step one, because, as I mentioned, they have to reach a threshold of pain to make that decision.

Step two is checking resources.  “What are you doing about that?”

You will discover a couple patterns here.  One is another variant of the innocent. “I’m doing what my doctor says.”  Another is the martyr pattern.  “Well, what can I do, this is how it is.”  

Pattern one needs step 3A:  “How is that working?”  They need a reality check.  And your intention at this point is to amplify failure.  Not a criticism, just the awareness that what they are doing is not achieving their desires.  

“Are you feeling better…is he communicating better…is it improving…what do you think is missing?”

And, of course, if she says she is feeling better with her resources, you just stay there.  If the complaint comes again, you ask… “I thought you said you were improving…is it still getting better?  Oh no, that is horrible, etc….back to step one (amplify the pain), and start over.  

Pattern two needs step 3B: “Do you think that anybody, ever, has solved that problem?”  They need a model.  (no, not Sports Illustated swimsuit models…somebody to model their behavior after).  And your intention at this point is to amplify possibility.  Not a solution, just the possibility of a solution.

“Do you think there is a solution…what do you think it might be…who has overcome depression…what do you think they did…do you think that might work for you…why (not)…”

We are at step 3, and it is important to note that you never move forward a step if you don’t have a green light.  If they don’t see the problem, you stay at step one.  “Wow, that looks painful…wow, that looks painful.”  Repeat and repeat.  

If they have a resource, you only ever notice the resource.  “How is that going?”

If they are stuck, you only ever notice positive models.  “I read an article about so and so beating depression.”

Step 4 is so critical to your energy!  You have to ask if they want your help or opinion!  And only if they acknowledge the pain, and agree that what they are doing is not working.  

“Would you like my opinion (help)?”

“No.”  Back to step 2.  “Well, what are you going to do?”

“Yes.”  That’s a green light for step 5.  Are you prepared?  Can you help them?  Absolutely.  They are here because you are the right person.  But don’t just give them opinion…give them experience.  If you don’t have experience with their problem, give them an expert.  

“Here’s what I did…or…here’s a book written by someone who overcame your situation.”  Other resources to provide might be a doctor, therapist, minister…anyone with specialized knowledge in solving her problem.  

Rinse and repeat.  

Carol calls again…this time it is her kids.  She complains…and complains.  And you are ready.  “Wow, that sounds horrible…frustrating…exhausting…mind boggling.  What are you going to do?  Oh, how wonderful…let me know how that works.  It’s not working…Oh, no…what will you do next?  Is that working?  Terrible, you must be incensed!  What will you do next?  Not sure…would you like my opinion…?”

Just remember…you had to reach a certain level of pain to ask for help.  And quite possibly, your first resource didn’t work, and kept you looking.  So, don’t stress over their problem…amplify it and get them looking too.  

If you find ANY situation that doesn’t move forward using this process, email me and I’ll see if I can figure out some other patterns and solutions.