Don’t Help Someone Who Doesn’t Want Help!

Chances are, you have heard me say this before.  Well, this weekend I witnessed the PERFECT demonstration of the negativity and “bad energy” of trying to do just this (helping)!

Every summer, Asheville hosts a music and arts festival called Belle Chere.  On one particular corner, there is a clash between a group of people representing Christianity, and a group of people representing something like, “Don’t Judge Me.”  (add expletives)

Now don’t make this about Christianity or Judgment.  I think Christianity can have a beautiful and comforting message when delivered in the right way (which may be different for different people). 

And, I think judgment is a personal choice (yup, we choose and allow judgment personally…100%)…even a bullhorn cannot make you good or bad, it’s always an inside job.  

This is about a horrible exchange of energy.  One side sees a group destined for suffering.  They choose to be “helpful” by shouting (bullhorns) into their faces, “you’re wrong.”  The other side feels judged, and makes signs saying “you’re a bleep-bleep” and by screaming back in their faces.  

Oh, so clear to see…bad communication…harmful energy…

But wait…apply this directly to you.  Chances are the actions and results in your own life are not so obvious.  You are not shouting in someone’s face (are you!?).  

Wherever and whenever we get defensiveness in response, we are lacking resourceful communication and influence.  Defensiveness is anything OTHER than COOPERATION.  (Sorry for the shouting)  It could just be ignoring you, for example.  

Let’s go back to the extreme examples.  I might advice the Christian side to put more energy into “modeling.”  Be the person that people look at and say… “Wow, I want to be more like that.”  

I’d advise that they amplify the pain.  Notice the struggle or negative behavior.  “I see that the amount of alcohol you drink causes you to bump into other people…and some get mad…how do you feel about that?”

I’d advise that they empathize.  “That sounds terrible…I know how you feel…last year at Belle Chere, I shouted at everyone using a bullhorn…boy did some of them get mad…it felt horrible.”

I’d advise that they ask for permission.  “May I offer you some advice from my experience?”

I might advise the judged side to put more energy into modeling.  (Be happy and secure).  Amplify the pain. (Clearly someone with a bullhorn is pained by not being heard…Hmmmm…)  Empathize.  (It’s fine, I remember how unreasonable I was when nobody would listen to me about…)  And if they couldn’t help themselves, and had to say something, to ask for permission to advise.  (I have my doubts this would work though…I’d stick with not hearing them).

Any ideas how to apply that to more subtle “lack of cooperation?”  Kids, spouse, work, etc.?