TRIGGERS

If you want to be healthy, you have to identify your patterns and break them!  Triggers are great starting points toward identifying patterns.  Triggers are experiences you have that send you into a significant emotional state, unable to make conscious choices…you hurt the ones you love, and that hurts you. 

This is a real experience that one person shared.  After the story, I will share how to change this pattern. 

I had a terrible tooth abscess while on vacation over memorial day holiday. On Sunday, I had to fly home with my two kids by myself after spending 7 hours in the ER the night before.  My husband/their father had taken a separate trip and would not be arriving home until midnight Monday. I got my older daughter to school Monday morning, called on the help of a friend, and stayed at her house until that evening.  She kept the kids and I came home to try and rest.  That didn't happen.  The infection was getting worse, despite two strong antibiotics (however, no dentist were available until Tuesday).  

My husband got home at 1:45 AM barely spoke to me and went to sleep.  I had to wake him up at 4 to take me back to the ER.  While at the ER we had a small trigger but I was really too sick to even get that upset.  I spent the next week getting put to sleep, having the tooth extracted, and basically incoherently sick.  

I started feeling somewhat better on Saturday night, when my husband wanted to go out and see some music.  I told him I didn't like the idea and he said that he deserved to go because he had to take the week off from work to take care of the kids and myself.  I succumbed and didn't say much else about it.  

However, when I woke up on Sunday morning and walked downstairs~the house was a WRECK!!! Everyone knows I am a little OCD about a clean house.  I proceeded to yell at my children (in front of a friend who had come over) and then yell at my husband.  I totally freaked out on everyone until I was literally nauseous and had to go back to bed!  After awaking from the nap the family had cleaned up and I apologized to everyone.  But it was really explosive and felt like such a jerk!

Anyone have any guesses???   I would call this trigger disruption.  Disruption ruins certainty and comfort, one of our emotional needs.  Disruption wrecks our plan, our expectations. 

When we are sensitized to a trigger, there is something in the past that felt painful and acted like a stamp or imprint on our nervous system, specific to that trigger.  It could have been Dad not showing up for something important, moving and losing friends, or an annoying big sister that always wrecked the fun…and many more. 

As a result of these experiences, we adopt strategies to avoid the pain.  Two common strategies are to do everything yourself, and invisibility.  As you can see, this person wanted her husband to act differently on a couple occasions…but didn’t request the action.  This is invisibility.  Don’t ask and don’t get disappointed.  But, she isn’t getting her needs met…she is experiencing disruption several times before she can’t take it any longer.  Things aren’t going the way she wants and expects. 

I would use an acupressure tapping regimen to reduce the charge, the emotional charge, on the trigger (disruption), and ask her to make a couple simple changes.  Perhaps making agreements with her family towards what she wants.  Would you agree to do this, and that, and more of this?  I would ask her to not expect that all her requests will be granted, but to make a list full enough that if she got one, she would be elated.  I would have her playfully ask for everything she could think of…if the urge hit…say it…the more ridiculous the better.  “I would like a foot massage right now.” 

Doing something different begins to break the pattern of stress and inflammation.  It provides the space to soothe stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline.  This opens the door to wake up her energy and metabolism.  It takes time to shift hormones naturally, but she would be feeling more energized every week…as long as she did what I asked her to. 

It isn’t easy to break stressful and inflammatory patterns.  The more she plays it like a game, the less emotional resistance she would feel.  She will surely run into things she just can’t ask, but by practicing the easy ones at first, it will become her natural way of being…she will be in a new pattern. 

The Five Patterns of Inflammation

If the five stress patterns are win lose patterns in which you give away your energy…the inflammation patterns are exhaustion through defending yourself.  Think of this in terms of big picture…yes, the immune system is the defense system internally, and can lead to immune or autoimmune problems, but let’s look at the patterns of defense that exhaust your health!

Pattern 1: The hero or warrior pattern.  You want to overcome unfairness…protect those in need.  Again, a good thing…until taken too far.  Obviously, even a superhero can risk harm…if superman doesn’t avoid kryptonite, well, he is vulnerable…the win lose in this pattern starts with expending too much energy…going beyond your capacities, not watching out for kryptonite.  When overdone, you might shift from protector to attacker…and you get attacked back…that is the nature of defending.  So, when taken too far, and your greatest value is protecting from hurt…you hurt…and that hurts you.  So you withdraw, but the unfairness is such a motivation, you see people being hurt…they depend on you…you can’t sit back and watch it…you are compelled to defend…if you protect you…it hurts…and when you protect others…it hurts. 

Pattern 2: The revolutionary or rebel pattern.  You want growth, but to achieve this, you choose opposition instead of direction.  The world is NOT RIGHT…people are in pain…people are suffering, so I must do things differently.  Overdone, this becomes counterculture…being different for the sake of being different.  Because it is defensive in nature, you turn people off or push them away.  That hurts…so you withdraw, but you see so much evil…commercialism…war…and turn away again…pain or pain…You disconnect from “the way things are” or you suffer in silence.

Pattern 3:  This is the teacher or creator pattern…bringing new ideas into realization…overdone becomes the fixer.  You have the solution, but nobody will follow your command…and I say command because it may come off as just that.  You decide that the only one who gets it is you, so you adopt a do it yourself pattern.  If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself!  The burden of taking on everyone elses responsibility takes its toll…pain…so you pull back, only to see everything go to heck…burden myself…or nothing gets done right…win/lose either way…

Pattern 4:  This is the true leadership or ruler type…you simply want to make things work, but you keep getting the experience of betrayal…overdone this is the perfectionist or achiever…always doing more toward connection…you get betrayed or criticized and you defend…it might be a lawsuit, or it might be an argument…still you are defending your actions.  “I did everything I could to help this person/institution” …pleasing…defending…both ways, it hurts

Pattern 5:  This is the Jester…using wit to get others to see your way…when overdone, it feels, sounds or looks like sales…the experience is that YOU are right, but nobody gets that…you TRY convincing and proving…but you get more disbelief and resistance…the more you convince, the less you are understood…that hurts…so you withdraw…and you see people so close to seeing what you see…you are exhausted by ignorance, but can’t get your message heard…back to wit and convincing…still pain…

All these exhaustive patterns have simple solutions…patterns a broken by different actions…different communications.  You must be willing to look at yourself and change, and nourish yourself where you were defending or giving away your energy. 

The Five Patterns of Stress

I say over and over that symptoms are messages.  But messages of what?  What are they trying to tell you?  On one level they are telling you that your body is stressed out, and there are characteristic internal patterns we see.  Stress overwhelm, not stress, causes suppression of thyroid function (energy and repair), problems with blood sugar, poor digestion, increased blood pressure, estrogen and progesterone imbalances, conversion of testosterone into estrogen in men (sorry guys)…and others.  Then, when all these problems arise, you are a great host for infections…you begin to get more and more sensitive to foods, sugar, chemicals, and stress. 

So, What is the message of this downward spiral??  I have observed several life patterns…win/lose patterns that I believe to be the source of stress overwhelm

Pattern 1:  The first pattern is the caretaker pattern.  Caretaking is not a bad thing But when overdone, it can feel like being a servant, maybe sacrifice…and that weighs heavy… you create an expectation of serving, and get taken advantage of.  You have a problem saying no, and people keep asking because they know you will say yes.  Feeling like you’re being taken advantage of doesn’t feel good, so you may decide you are done…that’s it…I’m not taking care of everyone.  As you swing this way, the feedback you get from others is loss, sadness, hurt…so you swing back. 

Pattern 2:  This is the pattern began by being disappointed by those you look up to, called the everyperson pattern.  The hurt of being disappointed creates a need to help others belong and thrive.  You are giving what you perceived as a lack.  Overdone, you lose your identity in the group.  Whichever group you are with is the right group…but people see your lack of loyalty…lack of conviction.  They start to feel like you can’t be counted on.  That hurts…so you swing back to expressing you more valiantly…and your group is put off by this.  And that hurts…so you swing back into role…a support member of the group.  Again, belonging is a wonderful thing, but when you can’t be YOU in your group, you are giving away your energy. 

Pattern 3:  This is the wisdom seeker…the sage.  Overdone, this becomes the analyzer, also known as the self help junkie.  You feel like you never know enough…there is always one more thing to learn.  And, as the saying goes… paralysis by analysis.  This leads to a “failure to launch” life…never taking the action, or the right action toward your dreams.  This hurts…so you swing over to simply doing something…but the over analyzing always feeds anxiety into your actions, so you aren’t happy with your results…and that hurts, so you pull back…think, analyze…no action…do something…not good enough…win/lose.

Pattern 4:  This is the innocent…the idealistic and hopeful person.  Again not a bad thing…quite good in fact, until it becomes a win/lose pattern.  Overdone innocent optimism becomes a victim.  You are disappointed by others, not those you look up to, but those you trust and partner with.  It might be business or love, friends or family…but nobody meets your idealistic goals.  You begin to watch life go by…you don’t want to be noticed…you don’t want the conflict.  And that hurts…so you ask more of people…and, sure enough, they disappoint you again.  Expect…don’t expect…win/lose.

Pattern 5:  This is the lover…the relationship builder.  Overdone…this becomes the saver…or perhaps savior…you assume what others need and want, and fall short of the true reality.  You keep having the experience of not getting it right…mistakes, over and over again…you want to help others, but what you get is people feeling sorry for you for your failures…that hurts, so you swing to shirking leadership…I don’t want to have the responsibility…yet people look up to you…and you see the disappointment as you withdraw…so you lead again.

Each pattern is win lose…either way it hurts…if you win by approaching something that feels, sounds, or looks right…you get pain on the backside…literally and figuratively.   The solution is discovering a win/win solution…to become who you want to be, express the values that are so important to you…without costing you energy.  Once discovered, these life patterns…caretaker, everyperson, innocent, sage, and lover…can become your source of energy…your passion for life and your gift to humanity. 

Looking for Story Tellers!

I would love to hear a great story about your TRIGGERS!  What the heck does that mean??  Well, triggers are things we see, hear, or feel, that send us into an emotional state.  Triggers can be wonderful…such as the music you had your first “make out session” to.  They can be intense…such as those that make you crazy…say nasty things to those you love…sarcasm, withdrawal of love, punishment.  We all have different ways of attacking once triggered intensely.  

Those are the stories I WANT.  Not for entertainment, but for research.  And perhaps an educational book or at least a blog post.  If you have been listening to my message, you know that I help people mainly through treating stress and inflammation.  And what is more stressful and inflammatory than a good trigger?!

You might not know what exactly your trigger is…but if you tell me your story of your most recent upset, I will help you see how it happened.  That alone could help you DE-STRESS and lead a happier healthier life.  I know it is working for me. 

I had a great experience for research just today.  I can thank Sonya for being the source of the trigger, but I know it has little to do with her, and more to do with my meanings and associations. 

So, I’ll start, so you have a template to work from.  And please, send me your story…in the name of happiness and health…yours and everyone I reach…take a few minutes and tell me your story. 

Sonya and I were driving around looking at homes.  We have four children, so we visit a couple houses, take a break at the pool, see a couple more…  Well, today, the older girls, Savannah (8), and Sacred (6) were extra irritable right from the start.  Before we left there was a huge blow up over who would tell us the story of the pictures they drew in a sketch book.  And it was on and on like that once we got into the car. 

At one point, Sacred began screaming “Stop, stop.”  I turned around and said, in a loud voice, “Sacred, nobody knows what you want by saying stop…what do you want to stop?”  At this moment, I heard a chuckle from Sonya, sitting next to me in the driver’s seat.  I was triggered. 

I looked over and asked her what was so funny?  She knew it was on, so tried to avoid sharing her thoughts.  I kept at her…what’s so funny?  Finally, she said that I was yelling at her to help her learn how to talk more effectively.  “I wasn’t yelling,” I said, “I was using a strong voice to get their attention.”  “Why can’t you back me up…why do you always have to undermine my way of doing this.”

At this point, the action in the back heated up.  The screaming intensified.  I said, “It’s all yours then.”  Sonya replied, “Oh, so is this about you or about them.”  I was silent.  The next moment, she looked in the mirror and saw Sacred hit the back window with a metal triangle (the musical instrument), so Sonya yelled, “Absolutely not…you may not hit the window!!”  I said, sarcastically, “So, you think yelling is the best way?”  She called me something worse than a jerk. 

I was charged for the rest of the day, until finally I cooled off and grabbed Sonya’s hand and thanked her for such wonderful research.  We had been talking about triggers just the night before, and had a more mild triggering event during the previous days hunt for a home.  (Hey, you try house hunting with four children!!)

I believe these events can either help us grow and be more of who we want to be, or build up defense mechanisms that ultimately lead to more stress.  I’m all for number one, and I promise you that you will benefit from telling your story.  Every story submitted will be addressed!  All stories will be anonymous, and when you reply with your story…they will only be read by me.  I will then share my ongoing research in upcoming articles.  So give me a juicy one!!

Yours in Health,

Dr. Todd Stone