Non-Violent Communication (NVC) for Boundary Violations

Do you ever feel violated?  Sexual abuse is the violation that is often thought of as one of the most vile and unacceptable.  And, most of us are violated on a daily basis with less offensive boundary crossings. 

 

Our children test our boundaries every day…it’s almost like it’s their job.  

Regardless of the violation…let’s say your child hit you in anger, which happens to us all…it could prove useful to add this resource to your bag of resources.

“You wanted my attention…so you hit me.”  (Firmly) “You may NOT hit me…hitting hurts.”  “If you want my attention, you can say, ‘Daddy, I need your help.’”  

Maybe they didn’t want your attention…  “You wanted to show me how angry you are, so you hit me…You may NOT hit me, hitting hurts…if you want to show me how angry you are, you can hit this pillow (you tell them how you want them to respond).” 

Or…”You wanted space…so you……if you want space, you may go to this safe place.”  

NVC suggests always getting agreement on the boundary…”Can you do that…will you do that?”  If “no,” then engage in problem solving.  “What are your ideas for getting my attention other than hitting?”

Then, when you have a win-win agreement, you never have to say “don’t” again…instead, you remind them of their agreement.  “You agreed to use your words…let’s try that again.”

Now, let’s apply that to the vile example of sexual abuse.  As I understand, most cases are violations by friends, family, or otherwise known people.  In most cases, the boundaries are tested first.  What if demonstrating firm boundaries allows your child to say, at the first subtle boundary violation, “You may not do that…I don’t like that!”

What if you also train your child to respond like this first to their siblings and friends, so they have the words to use when they feel uncomfortable?  

I’d say this is the most responsible resource to reduce and eliminate sexual boundary violations, and every other boundary issue.  I’m not opposed to stronger laws, but I am absolutely in favor of stronger children, stronger parents, and stronger boundaries.