Who's Gonna Start!? (Validating)

Validate comes from the latin word validātus, which means to make strong.  Validate in English means to confirm or approve.  Confirm means to acknowledge and strengthen a perspective.  

The FIVE ELEMENTS philosophy, my model for healing and happiness, suggests that every plant, mineral, and animal has a unique perspective that brings VALUE to the whole. 

 

From the perspective of the plant, it brings VALUE in the form of nourishment and healing.  From the perspective of the mineral (rock, soil), it brings VALUE in the form of filtration of water, nourishment and growth of plants, and houses a diverse community of microbes that protect, defend, and through decay, return nourishment to the soil. 

You know in your heart that you have VALUE to bring to the whole.  Do you feel safe to express that value? 

Invalidation means to weaken, or devalue another perspective.  You might say that you don’t care what others think about your perspective, but if you dig deep, it does matter.  We have an innate desire to be loved and valued…so it just isn’t true that you don’t care. 

“I don’t care”…is a product of invalidation.  It was conceived from the perspective of feeling invalidated. 

I know you don’t enjoy invalidation, and I agree, in this culture, it requires thick skin to express your unique perspective and VALUE.  Because…human animals have learned that a unique perspective is a threat to their own.  

Imagine talking to the soil… SOIL: “I don’t eat the plants, I feed the plants.”  HUMAN: “Well, that’s just stupid, anyone can see that the plants are for eating.”

You would never argue with the soil, right?  It is TRUTH…one perspective feeds the plants, while another eats the plants. 

Why…do we invalidate another human’s perspective, clearly observed from unique eyes, ears, and experience?  

You and I want validation.  Who’s gonna start?  The starting point…is…ASSUMING POSITIVE INTENTION.  

When I was in school, I couldn’t figure out how to receive validation (other than compliance, which was PAINFUL!)…so I used adults to receive validation from other kids.  I disrespected, smart mouthed, broke rules…and the other kids laughed.  I found a way…a way that alienated adults, but created my own version of validation.  

I bet it was difficult to see my positive intention from the adults’ perspective.  From their perspective, it looked like my intention was to be disruptive.  But the more they punished me, the more this strategy deepened and expanded in me.  It became an identity…and to this day, I feel uncomfortable around adults. 

I sometimes say to my kids, “I don’t understand adults, either!”  “But, Dad, you are an adult.”  “I know,” I say, being subtly suggestive of my lack of understanding of MYSELF!  

If I now, met me then…I would say, “It looks like you are frustrated that there is no room for your perspective…so you make jokes and disrupt whatever is going on, to let everyone know how frustrated you are.  Would you let me show you how to be significant without getting in trouble?  You can still make everyone laugh…”

Validation is critical to cooperation.  Have you ever heard a democrat say to a republican (or vice versa), “Oh, I completely see your perspective and what you are trying to accomplish.”  Do you observe cooperation in politics, or adversity?  (if only slightly less immature than my earlier versions)

Are we doomed to invalidation, since our ‘leaders’ demonstrate and embody invalidation!?  The political perspective of Gandhi was “to be the change you desire in the world.”  

I validate my kids, even if I invalidate first.  I validate my patients, often by showing them what is wrong with them, after somebody told them there is nothing wrong!  And to all, not only do I validate your expression, I ENCOURAGE you to express your unique perspective (in a way that brings VALUE, not disruption!). 

And, it is OK…if mine is different.  I will still do my best to see the value in yours. 

If you desire validation (and I know you do), remember this article always…and even if you begin with invalidation…come back around…step into the others’ shoes, and see their perspective…and ASSUME POSITIVE INTENTION.  

As the first self help book, the Bible, says in Luke 6:38, “GIVE…and you WILL receive.”