“I’ll tell you what you can do! Take a flyin’ leap!”
Did you ever feel like telling someone how inappropriate
they were? Maybe even beating some BUTT!?!
I commend you for standing up for your energy! I also want you to make sure it is serving
your energy.
Case in point:
Fabulous woman, who had incredible healing under our guidance. She got her energy back, and could meet her
needs. In fact, she once said that she
had never felt such energy (at age 64) ever before in her life. I helped her discover how to meet her
needs.
Next thing you know, she is finding herself in a romantic
relationship. Very natural…after our own
personal needs are met, connection and love are the next logical needs. She was giddy in love and passion!
This went on for months, and her health increased to levels
she never assumed possible. Until…human
reality set in.
As you tighten a bond with an individual, more of you…and
more of them…is revealed. And one night,
her partner, lover and her passion, got mad.
Yes, it got ugly. Emotions were
strewn about the room. Anger hit the
ceiling, and loving communication became a battle for right and wrong.
Now, for anyone in a lengthy relationship, you know this is
not out of the ordinary. As my partner,
Sonya, and I deepen our relationship, we continually hit snags and snarls, and
we have graduated from “I’m not talking to you,” (mostly me), to yelling, and
even grown up discussion at times. The
fact is, we all endured pain to end up where we are, and as we deepen a
relationship, we see more of the hurt, and the hurt often strikes back.
When her partner got upset, and did the immature things that
upset (emotionally charged) people do, she stood up for herself. She held her boundary by pushing this person
away. She made a stand and said no way,
I will not put up with this behavior.
She reported to me on her next visit the details of this
experience. But instead of
congratulating her on her stand for self, I wondered to her what she might be
losing. I asked her when she might find
the person who never gets mad. I
suggested that she consider a different boundary.
If you stand firm on a boundary, you have to consider if the
boundary is good for you, good for others, and good for the greater good. I immediately realized that she is pushing
good away, thereby losing good in her own life.
Not a good plan.
In her pushing her partner away for getting mad and not
being reasonable, what good was served?
She may have been empowered with her stance, but she lost connection and
love. He lost love, and they both lost a
relationship.
I wondered (to her) if a boundary that included connection
and love was possible. What would it
look like to meet the greater good (partnership, love, connection), and still
meet the need of safety or considerate communication? I suggested that what she really wanted was to
stand up for the way someone communicated a need.
Let’s face it…if she required a partner that never lost his
cool, she will live a pretty lonely life.
We all need to teach our partners how to respond to us when upset. Sure it can be awkward at first, but speaking
from the heart is always a good start.
“I was really frightened from your response, and I need to
feel safe with you…when you get upset, would you be willing to tell me how you
feel in that moment and then take a time out away from me to regain your
composure? Then we can come back
together and calmly work it out. Would
you agree to do that?”
Here is the interesting part. She stuck to her decision for many months,
and during that time she began to have symptom regression. She was virtually symptom free, feeling
great…and then some pain returned, then headaches, then fatigue… She was slowly heading for where she
started!
I often reminded her
what I thought she really needed during her visits. And then finally, she spoke from her
heart. She said something like I wrote
above…and they awkwardly decided how to handle upsets. I’m sure it will need some fine tuning, but
it was a Win-Win agreement.
Next visit, she was virtually symptom free once again.
Here’s an analogy I often use… If you were in an abusive relationship, which
might be your spouse, or your relationship with sugar or even yourself
(self-criticism)…and it was habitually abusive, perhaps several times a day…no
amount of natural medicine could soothe the stress physiology going on inside
you. It would be one step forward and
one step back, day after day.
My experience is that most of the daily stress we endure can
be overcome with natural medicine, but there are cases like this where a change
in action is needed. It wasn’t that she
had to be in a relationship to be healthy…it was that she had to stand up for
her winning. Even if the sharing had
turned out awfully, I believe her spirit would have healed, regardless, just
from the gesture. She had to stand up
and state that what she wanted was important.
Another case that is related… A patient discontinued care after she asked
me about antibiotics and I went on something of a tirade about the evils of
them. She felt like I responded by
making her wrong for asking. She felt
upset that I didn’t respond with compassion.
Using the Win-Win concept, did she win with her choice? Did I win?
Did the relationship win?
She consulted with me because she has a chronic health
challenge. I have specialized knowledge
in overcoming health challenges. I
honestly don’t absolutely know I could have helped her, but she sacrificed that
possibility, by pushing me away. I
certainly didn’t achieve my desire, of helping….and we didn’t create a
successful team. Lose-Lose-Lose.
Could she have created a win-win boundary? Of course…it might look like this.
“When you responded so negatively to my question, I felt
belittled and then upset that you got on your soap box and talked down to
me…that is not ok with me. When I ask
you a question, I need you to hear me fully and respond calmly and
considerately…would you be willing to treat me this way when we
communicate.”
Dang…I would have apologized…I would have had incredible
respect for her standing up for her boundary…and I would have been on my best
behavior during her visits! I would have
never forgotten that confrontation, which was kind, gentle, and yet solid. And she would have won on all levels.
Consider what you are giving up in holding boundaries…or
giving in to, by allowing boundary crossing without confronting (the kind,
gentle, firm approach).
The concepts here are my interpretation of a book called
“NonViolent Communication.” (Which I consider to be one of the best quality
natural medicines!)
