Resolution...failed...again

My resolution was to stay positive…respond to people, news, concepts, ideas with an uplifting message.  Failed already.  

I don’t think I am an overly negative person, but I often make fun of other ways of doing things, particularly the mainstream medicine approach to chronic conditions.  Sometimes I even get frustrated and defensive about the ideas and actions of medicine.  

For example, the overuse of antibiotics…very personal to me, since that was how I began my life…many rounds of antibiotics followed by a nasty autoimmune disease that nearly took my life.  (ITP, the platelet disorder).   Twice last year this subject came up…I gave my little rant (in a sense, saying, “that’s stupid”)…and both times I think I offended the person I was talking to.  Well, one for sure, because she let me know!  

So, I resolved to stay positive…whenever something comes up that incites making fun or defensiveness, my plan is to share something positive in the other direction.  For example,if I saw a little toddler with food allergies and a history of antibiotic use, instead of ranting about how damaging antibiotics are, I’ll post something on the success of our immune protocols.  

Simple, right…and really, far more productive if my goal is teaching, and even influencing others to use natural medicine.  But I failed, and I won’t get into my defensiveness, but I will share my positive message. 

It is the message of ignorance.   I write about ignorance frequently, because I think it is truly “enlightened wisdom.”  And if it ain’t, it’s at least a less stressful way of living.  

I want to invite you to join me in working toward the complete acceptance and appreciation of our own ignorance.  

Ignorance is defined as the lack of knowledge or information.  Knowledge is defined as awareness of fact or truth.  But what the heck is a fact…and even more muddled is the concept of truth.  They say mathematics is exact and true, but quantum physicists are showing that depending on perspective, even math rules change.    

Here is an idea…a concept that could challenge your facts and truth…and the first lesson of ignorance.  If we “know” how things are, the moment anyone says something that conflicts with our “truth,” we tune out and start creating our rebuttle.  But if you accept ignorance, you can hear ANY concept and “try it on for size”…see if it fits comfortably…see if it enhances your life, or decreases your stress.  Maybe it doesn’t, and you toss it aside and maintain your truth, but at least you heard it.  (Knowing prevents learning) 

The idea or concept: I believe that there is no such thing as fact…or even truth.  Everything is based on perspective.  Oh, we could go back and forth a million times, so let’s offer up a couple truths that are merely perspective.  

‘The sun comes up every morning.’  Check your facts with someone living in Alaska.  

‘Giving to others is good.’  Check your facts with someone who has been robbed at gunpoint.  

Perspective. 

 

If you have a desire for wisdom, I believe the first step is ignorance.  Letting go of truth or fact…and allowing the absorption of perspective.  When you see from the perspective of all people, you see from the perspective of God.  (And I’m ok calling that universal intelligence the Zero Point Field, or Prana, or Chi or Qi, depending on your perspective)

As soon as you buy into fact, you begin deleting people and perspectives.  And you delete awareness and wisdom.  For example, some people who believe in Christianity, also believe that everyone else is wrong, and would not gather wisdom from a Buddhist teaching.  And the same thing happens with men and women, democrats and republicans…there’s a good example of not hearing another perspective…politics!  

Imagine a political world where both republicans and democrats stopped defending their point and listened, absorbed, and tried on the others opinion.  And, since they are working for the same thing, our country, they compromised, and sought a best solution that included both perspectives.  Wow!  Only through letting go of truth.  

Now, the reason this is a resolution is that I am a long way from this unifying, serene existence.  I have lived in a culture that rewards being right, and penalizes being wrong, and the difference between the two is standardized from a culture that is hardly “getting it right.”  I’ve practiced being right and veiling my ignorance all my life.    

So…I am not very good at being ignorant.  As I mentioned, I have this tendency to make fun of or make wrong any ideas outside mine.  I have resolved to practice step one toward universal wisdom…stop defending my perspective.  I will work on seeing the other perspective, and with practice, I may develop that awareness.  What I believe I can do, right away, is turn any defensiveness or rightness into something positive, and stop tearing others down.    

Will you join me?  We can keep expectations low…so we can’t fail.  None of us are GOOD at ignorance.  We’ll still react with what we have practiced for so long…but when we feel that “bad” feeling, we can notice it…take a breath…and (try to) stop defending our truth, redefined as our perspective?  We do NOT have to give up our perspective to see someone else’s.  We just have to stop defending ours, which could allow us to actually see or hear theirs.  

And what is there to defend.  Most truths have been discovered inaccurate or incomplete.  And the rest likely will be found inaccurate in the next generation…or the next.  So what are we defending!?  As awareness expands…as Columbus failed to fall off the edge…truth changes.  

I still defend…and I did so very recently.  But I am acknowledging the defensiveness and turning it into a positive through sharing my perspective. 

I know I can stay positive…I do it regularly.  I know I can notice the defensiveness…I know the feel, I know the language, and I can pay attention.  I know I can choose to respond differently.  Maybe not always in time…but I will notice and make another choice.  And practice…and practice. 

And that is one “truth” that has stood the test of time…across all generations and lifetimes, all human experience has shown that whatever you practice, you get better at…and what a great thing to practice.  Stop defending, and offer a positive, perhaps uplifting message.   

I hope you will take this seriously and join me in taking a step toward accepting ignorance.  It’s impossible to deny…we are, in fact, quite ignorant on many subjects.  Join me in Trying…Practicing!  

Imagine the result….

“You, Dr. Stone, are a pompous idiot.”  

“Really…that is a VERY interesting perspective…what led you to believe that?”  

Wouldn’t that be a LESS STRESSFUL way to move through life?  Could you imagine how that person would respond if you didn’t reject their perspective?  Seems worth practicing…

Helping Others

It is an innate desire, perhaps need, to be helpful to others.  Contribution is an essential energy that flows into significance and love/connection.

But…there is nothing more exhausting than trying to help someone who doesn’t want help.  For both sides! 

So, what do you do?  It’s a fact that people will tell you their problems.  It’s also a fact that it doesn’t mean they want your help.  

One more fact…some people even make a career out of complaining about their life.  And are committed to NOT doing something different (the only way to get a different result!).

There are others who are clearly heading into disaster, yet don’t see the negative direction. 

We can still be helpful to those people, and all people, while protecting your energy from chronic complainers…what to know how?  Let’s take an example.

Carol is struggling with depression, fatigue, and muscle pain all over.  When she calls, she does nothing but complain about her health, her husband, kids, job, politics, food, and anything she can think of.  You are exhausted by the time you end the call, not because of the complaining, but because you want to help her, and either strain to not say anything (because you know how poorly it has gone), or you actually try to convince her to do something different, which didn’t go well…AGAIN.  

The first thing you have to change is your mindset.  Realize that everyone has pain (of some sort), and that their growth process is dependent on that pain reaching a certain threshold (level) which will lead to a DECISION to change.  So your best and most loving intention toward their healing and growing is to INCREASE their pain!  

So the next time she calls, instead of waiting and dreading the complaining, you lead the conversation…right into her pain.  

“Hi, Carol, how are you doing?…last time you mentioned that your husband never helps you and your back is so painful you can barely stand for a few minutes……really, no better…and probably a bit worse.  That must be horrible…frustrating…exhausting…horrific…”

Yup…instead of comforting or reassuring, you amplify the pain using powerful words to empathize with the pain.  The results you get is how you define how well you do, right?  Well, if she says, “Well, it’s not quite that bad.”  …then you are an over achiever!  

If the person is an “innocent” pattern (counts on the best and is not facing the reality of pain), this is exactly what they need.  Keep asking and inquiring… “Wow, that knee looks bad…you look exhausted…”

That is exactly what they need.  Keep their attention on the problem.

If the person is a “complainer,” then the next step is what they really need.  They need to notice that what they are doing is not working.  They need to notice that it is critical that they do SOMETHING differently.  You still need step one, because, as I mentioned, they have to reach a threshold of pain to make that decision.

Step two is checking resources.  “What are you doing about that?”

You will discover a couple patterns here.  One is another variant of the innocent. “I’m doing what my doctor says.”  Another is the martyr pattern.  “Well, what can I do, this is how it is.”  

Pattern one needs step 3A:  “How is that working?”  They need a reality check.  And your intention at this point is to amplify failure.  Not a criticism, just the awareness that what they are doing is not achieving their desires.  

“Are you feeling better…is he communicating better…is it improving…what do you think is missing?”

And, of course, if she says she is feeling better with her resources, you just stay there.  If the complaint comes again, you ask… “I thought you said you were improving…is it still getting better?  Oh no, that is horrible, etc….back to step one (amplify the pain), and start over.  

Pattern two needs step 3B: “Do you think that anybody, ever, has solved that problem?”  They need a model.  (no, not Sports Illustated swimsuit models…somebody to model their behavior after).  And your intention at this point is to amplify possibility.  Not a solution, just the possibility of a solution.

“Do you think there is a solution…what do you think it might be…who has overcome depression…what do you think they did…do you think that might work for you…why (not)…”

We are at step 3, and it is important to note that you never move forward a step if you don’t have a green light.  If they don’t see the problem, you stay at step one.  “Wow, that looks painful…wow, that looks painful.”  Repeat and repeat.  

If they have a resource, you only ever notice the resource.  “How is that going?”

If they are stuck, you only ever notice positive models.  “I read an article about so and so beating depression.”

Step 4 is so critical to your energy!  You have to ask if they want your help or opinion!  And only if they acknowledge the pain, and agree that what they are doing is not working.  

“Would you like my opinion (help)?”

“No.”  Back to step 2.  “Well, what are you going to do?”

“Yes.”  That’s a green light for step 5.  Are you prepared?  Can you help them?  Absolutely.  They are here because you are the right person.  But don’t just give them opinion…give them experience.  If you don’t have experience with their problem, give them an expert.  

“Here’s what I did…or…here’s a book written by someone who overcame your situation.”  Other resources to provide might be a doctor, therapist, minister…anyone with specialized knowledge in solving her problem.  

Rinse and repeat.  

Carol calls again…this time it is her kids.  She complains…and complains.  And you are ready.  “Wow, that sounds horrible…frustrating…exhausting…mind boggling.  What are you going to do?  Oh, how wonderful…let me know how that works.  It’s not working…Oh, no…what will you do next?  Is that working?  Terrible, you must be incensed!  What will you do next?  Not sure…would you like my opinion…?”

Just remember…you had to reach a certain level of pain to ask for help.  And quite possibly, your first resource didn’t work, and kept you looking.  So, don’t stress over their problem…amplify it and get them looking too.  

If you find ANY situation that doesn’t move forward using this process, email me and I’ll see if I can figure out some other patterns and solutions. 

This is my Boundary!

“I’ll tell you what you can do!  Take a flyin’ leap!” 

Did you ever feel like telling someone how inappropriate they were?  Maybe even beating some BUTT!?!  

I commend you for standing up for your energy!  I also want you to make sure it is serving your energy. 

 

Case in point:  Fabulous woman, who had incredible healing under our guidance.  She got her energy back, and could meet her needs.  In fact, she once said that she had never felt such energy (at age 64) ever before in her life.  I helped her discover how to meet her needs.  

Next thing you know, she is finding herself in a romantic relationship.  Very natural…after our own personal needs are met, connection and love are the next logical needs.  She was giddy in love and passion!  

This went on for months, and her health increased to levels she never assumed possible.  Until…human reality set in.  

As you tighten a bond with an individual, more of you…and more of them…is revealed.  And one night, her partner, lover and her passion, got mad.  Yes, it got ugly.  Emotions were strewn about the room.  Anger hit the ceiling, and loving communication became a battle for right and wrong.  

Now, for anyone in a lengthy relationship, you know this is not out of the ordinary.  As my partner, Sonya, and I deepen our relationship, we continually hit snags and snarls, and we have graduated from “I’m not talking to you,” (mostly me), to yelling, and even grown up discussion at times.  The fact is, we all endured pain to end up where we are, and as we deepen a relationship, we see more of the hurt, and the hurt often strikes back.  

When her partner got upset, and did the immature things that upset (emotionally charged) people do, she stood up for herself.  She held her boundary by pushing this person away.  She made a stand and said no way, I will not put up with this behavior. 

She reported to me on her next visit the details of this experience.  But instead of congratulating her on her stand for self, I wondered to her what she might be losing.  I asked her when she might find the person who never gets mad.  I suggested that she consider a different boundary.  

If you stand firm on a boundary, you have to consider if the boundary is good for you, good for others, and good for the greater good.  I immediately realized that she is pushing good away, thereby losing good in her own life.  Not a good plan.  

In her pushing her partner away for getting mad and not being reasonable, what good was served?  She may have been empowered with her stance, but she lost connection and love.  He lost love, and they both lost a relationship.  

I wondered (to her) if a boundary that included connection and love was possible.  What would it look like to meet the greater good (partnership, love, connection), and still meet the need of safety or considerate communication?  I suggested that what she really wanted was to stand up for the way someone communicated a need.  

Let’s face it…if she required a partner that never lost his cool, she will live a pretty lonely life.  We all need to teach our partners how to respond to us when upset.  Sure it can be awkward at first, but speaking from the heart is always a good start.  

“I was really frightened from your response, and I need to feel safe with you…when you get upset, would you be willing to tell me how you feel in that moment and then take a time out away from me to regain your composure?  Then we can come back together and calmly work it out.  Would you agree to do that?”  

Here is the interesting part.  She stuck to her decision for many months, and during that time she began to have symptom regression.  She was virtually symptom free, feeling great…and then some pain returned, then headaches, then fatigue…  She was slowly heading for where she started!  

 I often reminded her what I thought she really needed during her visits.  And then finally, she spoke from her heart.  She said something like I wrote above…and they awkwardly decided how to handle upsets.  I’m sure it will need some fine tuning, but it was a Win-Win agreement.  

Next visit, she was virtually symptom free once again.  

Here’s an analogy I often use…  If you were in an abusive relationship, which might be your spouse, or your relationship with sugar or even yourself (self-criticism)…and it was habitually abusive, perhaps several times a day…no amount of natural medicine could soothe the stress physiology going on inside you.  It would be one step forward and one step back, day after day.  

My experience is that most of the daily stress we endure can be overcome with natural medicine, but there are cases like this where a change in action is needed.  It wasn’t that she had to be in a relationship to be healthy…it was that she had to stand up for her winning.  Even if the sharing had turned out awfully, I believe her spirit would have healed, regardless, just from the gesture.  She had to stand up and state that what she wanted was important.  

Another case that is related…  A patient discontinued care after she asked me about antibiotics and I went on something of a tirade about the evils of them.  She felt like I responded by making her wrong for asking.  She felt upset that I didn’t respond with compassion.  

Using the Win-Win concept, did she win with her choice?  Did I win?  Did the relationship win?  

She consulted with me because she has a chronic health challenge.  I have specialized knowledge in overcoming health challenges.  I honestly don’t absolutely know I could have helped her, but she sacrificed that possibility, by pushing me away.  I certainly didn’t achieve my desire, of helping….and we didn’t create a successful team.  Lose-Lose-Lose.   

Could she have created a win-win boundary?  Of course…it might look like this.  

“When you responded so negatively to my question, I felt belittled and then upset that you got on your soap box and talked down to me…that is not ok with me.  When I ask you a question, I need you to hear me fully and respond calmly and considerately…would you be willing to treat me this way when we communicate.”  

Dang…I would have apologized…I would have had incredible respect for her standing up for her boundary…and I would have been on my best behavior during her visits!  I would have never forgotten that confrontation, which was kind, gentle, and yet solid.  And she would have won on all levels. 

Consider what you are giving up in holding boundaries…or giving in to, by allowing boundary crossing without confronting (the kind, gentle, firm approach).  

The concepts here are my interpretation of a book called “NonViolent Communication.” (Which I consider to be one of the best quality natural medicines!)