Self Worth Experiment

After completing another month long “weight loss experiment,” Sonya said to me, “Why don’t you do something a little more profound…like a ‘self worth experiment.’  Make some commitments toward increasing self worth.  Do it for 30 days and report the results of that.” 

Hmmmm…

Certainly this is more a sticking point with me than weight issues.  Maybe I should take on a something that is more of a challenge…for me.  

And with the mention, now I feel the fear.  It was easy to follow the weight loss commitments, in part because I had no fear of failing.  

And now I feel bad.  Did I minimize how incredibly difficult it is to break the patterns of weight challenges?  It certainly wasn’t my intention, but now looking at it from a perspective of my own fear, I can see how it might have looked.  My intention was to demonstrate the “curious scientist” approach to life…small changes, keep track of variables, and be curious about the results (no heavy expectations).

I can see how the fear of failure really changes the game.  But…I will take the advice of Dr. Stone, my more resourceful 9-5 identity…and apply it to Todd Stone…the rest of me, the less resourceful parts. 

I often say, “I am a good example of health, from the ears down.”  This is clearly a challenge from the ears up.  

Ok, so what the heck do I commit to…?  As resourceful as I feel with health, I feel nearly as UN-resourceful with improving my “head space. “  I’ll take my wife’s advice on this one…do consistently what I already know to do.

I know Neuro-Emotional Therapy (NET).  It’s a little like the more famous technique called EFT.   Tapping  acupressure points on emotional “blocks.”  We use muscle testing to identify the original “neurologic imprint,” which is the painful experience that initiated the unresourceful strategies to avoid further pain.  For example, if your father was abusive, you might use the strategy called “pleaser” where you try to predict what will make him happy to avoid further pain. (and of course, trying to make people happy will destroy your health!).  

I know neurology…how the brain works.  The brain is the gray and white matter, the physical structure that makes up the thinking parts, feeling parts, moving parts, and health regulating parts of the nervous system.  The mind I consider just the thinking parts (the scary parts!).  And what I know about this structure is that repetition builds stronger connections.  Whatever you repeatedly do, you get good at…including struggle, feeling bad, and fear.   

I know the philosophy of health and life from eastern medicine called “The Five Elements.”  This philosophy gives a simple structure to life, health, and nature.  It reveals how all parts of your body, your life, and all of nature flows together.  It explains how a bacteria in your small intestine can cause depression, or thyroid and weight issues.  It explains how an absent father can result in validation issues (OK-ness), which can cause self worth issues and struggles with finances.  And it reveals what energy is needed to resolve them.  

I also know to keep it simple and short or it will never stick.  So what I will commit to is about 6 minutes a day (do I see a theme here…same as my exercise commitment?).  I will do tapping on stressful memories and turn around the stress/pressure to reveal the value (ie. an abusive father makes you a very considerate person in most instances).  

I will focus my attention on two things…what I want in life, and the gratitude I have for what I already have.  You might say, “Duh,” but when you are emotionally blocked to what you want, it requires some exertion to put attention and focus on the positives, because some areas of life are proving that you aren’t enough, and it is SOOOO aggravating that it commands your attention and focus.  

That’s it…but it is different.  My previous pattern of trying to decrease struggle and increase  self value was doing more.  And, at age 43, I guess I have to admit that that ain’t working.  Now, like the curious scientist, I will focus only on my own self worth blocks…and, of course see what happens.  

How will I measure my self worth?  Well, capitalism has invented one way…income, sales, and financial worth.  How many clients do I have, book sales do I make, etc.  It’s as measurable as weight.  

I know that money is not self worth, but it is one measure.  When we take an energetic view, money exchange is a value exchange.  It once was that the person who made incredible chairs traded his value and skill for chickens.  Capitalism has created a system of exchange that allows the chicken farmer to obtain my value and skill even if I don’t need chickens.  

I know that self worth is an inside job.  I have patients that “Thank GOD” for my skills and expertise.  But still, despite the evidence to the contrary, the results I see show a lack of self worth…the struggle is always there.  

So, I will not do more…I will do 6 minutes of energetic work…tapping points, rubbing points, focusing my mind both on the stress and then the value of the stress.  (diamonds are formed from incredible pressure as I understand).   And then I will focus my mind on desire…gratitude…appreciation.  For 6 minutes a day.  And I will notice the results.  

If I am still struggling…if I fail... I will change the variables and try again. 

Helping Others

It is an innate desire, perhaps need, to be helpful to others.  Contribution is an essential energy that flows into significance and love/connection.

But…there is nothing more exhausting than trying to help someone who doesn’t want help.  For both sides! 

So, what do you do?  It’s a fact that people will tell you their problems.  It’s also a fact that it doesn’t mean they want your help.  

One more fact…some people even make a career out of complaining about their life.  And are committed to NOT doing something different (the only way to get a different result!).

There are others who are clearly heading into disaster, yet don’t see the negative direction. 

We can still be helpful to those people, and all people, while protecting your energy from chronic complainers…what to know how?  Let’s take an example.

Carol is struggling with depression, fatigue, and muscle pain all over.  When she calls, she does nothing but complain about her health, her husband, kids, job, politics, food, and anything she can think of.  You are exhausted by the time you end the call, not because of the complaining, but because you want to help her, and either strain to not say anything (because you know how poorly it has gone), or you actually try to convince her to do something different, which didn’t go well…AGAIN.  

The first thing you have to change is your mindset.  Realize that everyone has pain (of some sort), and that their growth process is dependent on that pain reaching a certain threshold (level) which will lead to a DECISION to change.  So your best and most loving intention toward their healing and growing is to INCREASE their pain!  

So the next time she calls, instead of waiting and dreading the complaining, you lead the conversation…right into her pain.  

“Hi, Carol, how are you doing?…last time you mentioned that your husband never helps you and your back is so painful you can barely stand for a few minutes……really, no better…and probably a bit worse.  That must be horrible…frustrating…exhausting…horrific…”

Yup…instead of comforting or reassuring, you amplify the pain using powerful words to empathize with the pain.  The results you get is how you define how well you do, right?  Well, if she says, “Well, it’s not quite that bad.”  …then you are an over achiever!  

If the person is an “innocent” pattern (counts on the best and is not facing the reality of pain), this is exactly what they need.  Keep asking and inquiring… “Wow, that knee looks bad…you look exhausted…”

That is exactly what they need.  Keep their attention on the problem.

If the person is a “complainer,” then the next step is what they really need.  They need to notice that what they are doing is not working.  They need to notice that it is critical that they do SOMETHING differently.  You still need step one, because, as I mentioned, they have to reach a threshold of pain to make that decision.

Step two is checking resources.  “What are you doing about that?”

You will discover a couple patterns here.  One is another variant of the innocent. “I’m doing what my doctor says.”  Another is the martyr pattern.  “Well, what can I do, this is how it is.”  

Pattern one needs step 3A:  “How is that working?”  They need a reality check.  And your intention at this point is to amplify failure.  Not a criticism, just the awareness that what they are doing is not achieving their desires.  

“Are you feeling better…is he communicating better…is it improving…what do you think is missing?”

And, of course, if she says she is feeling better with her resources, you just stay there.  If the complaint comes again, you ask… “I thought you said you were improving…is it still getting better?  Oh no, that is horrible, etc….back to step one (amplify the pain), and start over.  

Pattern two needs step 3B: “Do you think that anybody, ever, has solved that problem?”  They need a model.  (no, not Sports Illustated swimsuit models…somebody to model their behavior after).  And your intention at this point is to amplify possibility.  Not a solution, just the possibility of a solution.

“Do you think there is a solution…what do you think it might be…who has overcome depression…what do you think they did…do you think that might work for you…why (not)…”

We are at step 3, and it is important to note that you never move forward a step if you don’t have a green light.  If they don’t see the problem, you stay at step one.  “Wow, that looks painful…wow, that looks painful.”  Repeat and repeat.  

If they have a resource, you only ever notice the resource.  “How is that going?”

If they are stuck, you only ever notice positive models.  “I read an article about so and so beating depression.”

Step 4 is so critical to your energy!  You have to ask if they want your help or opinion!  And only if they acknowledge the pain, and agree that what they are doing is not working.  

“Would you like my opinion (help)?”

“No.”  Back to step 2.  “Well, what are you going to do?”

“Yes.”  That’s a green light for step 5.  Are you prepared?  Can you help them?  Absolutely.  They are here because you are the right person.  But don’t just give them opinion…give them experience.  If you don’t have experience with their problem, give them an expert.  

“Here’s what I did…or…here’s a book written by someone who overcame your situation.”  Other resources to provide might be a doctor, therapist, minister…anyone with specialized knowledge in solving her problem.  

Rinse and repeat.  

Carol calls again…this time it is her kids.  She complains…and complains.  And you are ready.  “Wow, that sounds horrible…frustrating…exhausting…mind boggling.  What are you going to do?  Oh, how wonderful…let me know how that works.  It’s not working…Oh, no…what will you do next?  Is that working?  Terrible, you must be incensed!  What will you do next?  Not sure…would you like my opinion…?”

Just remember…you had to reach a certain level of pain to ask for help.  And quite possibly, your first resource didn’t work, and kept you looking.  So, don’t stress over their problem…amplify it and get them looking too.  

If you find ANY situation that doesn’t move forward using this process, email me and I’ll see if I can figure out some other patterns and solutions. 

Don’t Help Someone Who Doesn’t Want Help!

Chances are, you have heard me say this before.  Well, this weekend I witnessed the PERFECT demonstration of the negativity and “bad energy” of trying to do just this (helping)!

Every summer, Asheville hosts a music and arts festival called Belle Chere.  On one particular corner, there is a clash between a group of people representing Christianity, and a group of people representing something like, “Don’t Judge Me.”  (add expletives)

Now don’t make this about Christianity or Judgment.  I think Christianity can have a beautiful and comforting message when delivered in the right way (which may be different for different people). 

And, I think judgment is a personal choice (yup, we choose and allow judgment personally…100%)…even a bullhorn cannot make you good or bad, it’s always an inside job.  

This is about a horrible exchange of energy.  One side sees a group destined for suffering.  They choose to be “helpful” by shouting (bullhorns) into their faces, “you’re wrong.”  The other side feels judged, and makes signs saying “you’re a bleep-bleep” and by screaming back in their faces.  

Oh, so clear to see…bad communication…harmful energy…

But wait…apply this directly to you.  Chances are the actions and results in your own life are not so obvious.  You are not shouting in someone’s face (are you!?).  

Wherever and whenever we get defensiveness in response, we are lacking resourceful communication and influence.  Defensiveness is anything OTHER than COOPERATION.  (Sorry for the shouting)  It could just be ignoring you, for example.  

Let’s go back to the extreme examples.  I might advice the Christian side to put more energy into “modeling.”  Be the person that people look at and say… “Wow, I want to be more like that.”  

I’d advise that they amplify the pain.  Notice the struggle or negative behavior.  “I see that the amount of alcohol you drink causes you to bump into other people…and some get mad…how do you feel about that?”

I’d advise that they empathize.  “That sounds terrible…I know how you feel…last year at Belle Chere, I shouted at everyone using a bullhorn…boy did some of them get mad…it felt horrible.”

I’d advise that they ask for permission.  “May I offer you some advice from my experience?”

I might advise the judged side to put more energy into modeling.  (Be happy and secure).  Amplify the pain. (Clearly someone with a bullhorn is pained by not being heard…Hmmmm…)  Empathize.  (It’s fine, I remember how unreasonable I was when nobody would listen to me about…)  And if they couldn’t help themselves, and had to say something, to ask for permission to advise.  (I have my doubts this would work though…I’d stick with not hearing them).

Any ideas how to apply that to more subtle “lack of cooperation?”  Kids, spouse, work, etc.?

The Art of Referring

You are having wonderful results.  Your doctor is hilarious.  The staff is kind and helpful.  Your visits are more fun than most of the rest of your week.  You feel listened to and heard…cared for and guided.  You feel empowered and more confident.  You are grateful for your experience.  

And still, you can’t get so and so to pick up the phone and call Dr. Stone.  You watch them struggle, feel lousy, function lousy, complain loudly, take advice that clearly isn’t working…and you really care about them.  

What’s the deal!?  Can’t they see how much better you are doing?  Can’t they see that what they are doing is not working?  Why won’t they listen to you!?

First…know that this is not unusual.  I have family…I know how it works.  Our culture is soooo immersed in medicine, even my own kids refer to MDs as “real” doctors.  (Although I think they have my sense of humor and are messing with me.)

Your best probability for getting someone to try something new or different, and this is for anything, is to know your audience’s needs.  

If you communicate how our process meets their needs, their motive will change.  If their motive, or motivation changes,  their actions…and their result…will change.  

You know what you need, but it is different for everyone.  Something I said in an email, video, or wherever, MET YOUR NEEDS.  That is why you showed up and took the chance.  Some people are motivated by connection, others by making a difference, growth, certainty, variety or contribution.  Those are the basic human needs.

Some people will love to hear the excitement of your results, as well as patient testimonials, and case studies. They would appreciate to hear that our patient satisfaction rate in the past year and a quarter is 89%! 

For others it will just trigger an anxiety that it WON’T work for them.  

These people may be more motivated by your telling them that Dr. Stone really hears your problems…he really listens.  He takes his time, pays attention, and is really dedicated to helping you.  

Some people are tired of explaining what their problem is…what they need is some “scientific” security.  Again, met by our process…you might tell them how complete the lab testing is…that you have never seen anything so in depth.  It checks every system and identifies what EVER is wrong with you.

Still others have no faith in the testing…in fact, after spending a ton of money on testing, their doctor told them nothing was wrong with them.  These people may appreciate how unique this process is.  You can tell them how much different this process and protocol is than what they are used to.  “Check it out, see how different it is.  If you’re not wowed by how unique the examination and explanation is, don’t go back…but if you are, well, maybe it could be the right path for you.”  

Still others have no interest in different, or same, or differently same.  Who cares…nobody can tell me what is going on with my health.  These people will truly appreciate validation…that is the process of understanding what is wrong…that it’s not all in their head.  You can tell them that Dr. Stone looks at your health from a new perspective, and can tell you what is going on.  You will have a clear reason for and understanding of your symptoms by visit 2.  Get your exam and labs, and if he can’t explain to you why you have (whatever symptom), he’ll tell you and you don’t pay for that time (there is no cost for the second visit if care is not agreed upon and started)…if he can explain, he’ll then show you a precise plan to change that problem.  

How do you know what approach to take?  You really don’t.  But, now you have a few approaches to try.  You’ll know you got it right when they call you and thank you for the recommendation.   

One more thing…NEVER give advice without asking if they want it.  I go through a process with my kids that goes something like this.  “I see you are crying…what happened?  What did you do when that happened?  Would you like my help?”  

With an adult with a health problem…same steps.  Notice the pain… “You look exhausted, what’s going on?  (Inquire about action steps) Have you seen anyone about that?  What did they say?  What do you think about that?  (Inquire about results)  Is it working…is it getting better?  Are you satisfied with the explanation or result?  (If the problem is NOT being solved you can offer…) Would you like my advice?”  

Depending on your relationship with the person, you might even add, “Would you take my advice if it makes sense to you?”  Now you have permission to try all angles while asking, “Does that make sense?”  “Does that make sense?”  

I have had people tell me that they have referred over 30 people, and none had actually taken action.  They observed an unresolved problem.  They offered a potential solution.  But no action.  

They also missed one of the points I have mentioned.  Did they ask permission, inquire into the situation to see if there was a perceived problem to solve (sometimes just asking if it is working will draw attention to the fact that it is NOT!), did they consider the different needs that people have, and connect their solution to that persons needs?  Something in that list was missed.  

Having that experience…telling people what you believe is valuable and not having them take your advice… is a major emotional trigger for people…called feeling ignored.  Using these basic steps will not only increase your ability to help other people, it will also reduce your upset and frustration.

Happy referring!