The Emotional Needs Survey

A while back, I asked for responses to:  What are your emotional needs?

It was very interesting to hear back from so many people.  I have the results listed below (I put similar answers in the same category):

1T. To be needed, appreciated, valued  16%
1T. To be loved, cared for, desired:  16%
3. To be heard, respected:  11% 
4T. To feel safe, secure  9%
4T. Bonding, touching, affection  9%
6. To give love  7%
7. Acceptance  7%
8. To be understood  4%
9. To feel connected to people  4%
10. Honesty, Trust, open communication  4%

And then with one vote each:  Process loss, grief….peace and solitude….Support, encouragement…. Passion…and, there are no emotional needs, only wants.  

I’d say this is a pretty good list, although I will put in my vote and suggest Growth, which I might describe as an improving ability to be authentic in the good times and bad.  My opinion is that passion was under-represented…but it is difficult to feel and give passion if you don’t feel appreciated, understood, safe, cared for, etc.  

The Five Element Chinese philosophy would say our needs are:

1.       Structure and Security

2.       Acceptance and Inclusion

3.       Nurturing and Support

4.       Validation and Value

5.       Reassurance and Responsiveness

Structure is what we teach our kids.  Boundaries.  Adults have boundaries too!  When you find yourself stepping on your boundaries, (or someone else is), it is stressful and exhausting.  People lacking structure tend to have issues with thyroid and reproductive hormones…and without solid structure, find themselves being frustrated with their progress.  Good boundaries and structure are a must for good health.

Acceptance is feeling part of a whole.  Children who are left or abandoned have trouble with allergies and body pain, and giving and receiving love.  To feel included in something bigger than yourself is a human need.  (And this is where passion is birthed…as you feel wanted, needed, and desired…you feel safe to share your passions, which are, of course, not all sexual)

Nurturing is momma energy.  Children whose mother was less than nurturing tend to have problems with energy (our internal harvest) and issues with giving and receiving support, either through not asking or pushing people away.  Support is a must for good health.  

Validation is being ok.  This is a Dad energy, and people who had an absent father often struggle with self criticism, and autoimmune problems (talk about picking on yourself.  Being ok with who you are and really experiencing your value are basic human needs.  

Reassurance leads to knowing you can “do it.”  The child whose fears are invalidated rather than reassured tends to have blood sugar problems and problems taking action when things are tough.  Being able to respond to our lives is a growth process, and a must for good health.  

Surely there is no way to know with such clarity and certainty as our need for oxygen, water, and food.  But, we might get clues…when you feel nourished emotionally…energized…you are probably hitting on a need.  And, as the one person suggested, we can certainly get confused with wants…I might want a giant bowl of ice cream…and it is food…but do I feel energized and nourished after??   

These are also all considerations when I take on a client to create good health.  I validate their problems…I nurture them/care for them (thanks to my dad being absent I have a strong feminine energy…oops did I say that aloud!?).  I give them structure, and make sure they can do it (reassurance), and try to let them know that I am also just a bumbling person (with a useful gift), trying to make my way in life…using the wisdom of the five elements.  And we laugh at how silly we both are…it’s kinda fun! 

PS.  More votes and comments below!!

THE EMOTIONAL COMPLEX

I would define an Emotional Complex as the entire neurological cascade associated with an emotionally based stress.  How do you know if it is emotionally based?  You feel…you feel sad, mad, anxious, depressed, enraged, scared, etc., etc.  What’s the difference?  A physiological stress would be something inside…an infection, blood sugar problems, anemia, etc.

The “Emotional Complex” is a significant burden to your stress capacity.  Understanding and changing an emotional complex is a significant RELIEF to your stress burden.  (For more on Stress Capacity and burden click here)  RELIEF to your stress burden relieves physical tension and pain, allows increased energy production, allows you to eat cookies and ice cream without crashing out your blood sugar and feeling like crap…it allows you forward progress toward health.

Everyone has emotional complexes, and the only complete resolution of emotional complexes is a condition called death.  (There was a doctor years ago utilizing this solution, but I think he got in trouble!)

Are you on board for finding and eliminating these health compromising complexes!?  Great!!

The emotional complex includes a trigger.  I have simplified discovering your triggers to five broad categories:  Ignoring, Ignorance, Unfairness, Disruption, and Criticism.  (For more info on Triggers, click here)

The emotional complex includes an experience, which has to be in the past, since we haven’t experienced the future yet.  It includes a meaning placed on that experience, and a strategy to avoid that experience, assuming it was painful or uncomfortable.
  

When a trigger, meaning, and strategy are replayed, over and over again, it creates a pattern.  I also have simplified the patterns into broad categories, which you can read about here.  These patterns are always win/lose or lose/lose and result in burdening your stress capacity.

In order to identify the patterns, I ask about triggers.  “What was your greatest trigger and emotional upset in the past week or so?”  This simple question is intended to exercise, with repetition, a very healthy process of checking in and noticing.  I also ask about the “loudest” physical symptoms, which in could be more emotional based, such as anxiety or depression.

This process replaces the hard wired neurological response of looking away from discomfort.  We might consider, if you have chronic symptoms of any type, that you have missed some more subtle clues to your pattern.  Or maybe you did notice them, but your doctor used medicine to suppress the symptom/message, rather than wonder what the body is asking for.  This is common, because we live in a symptom suppression culture, where each symptom has a pill to dampen the message.  If we are to break a chronic pattern, we have to practice noticing.

This doesn’t mean that your symptoms or conditions are in your head, rather that they have ties to stress and inflammation, which is the physiological pattern ignited through exhaustive or defensive stress patterns, which include triggers and a stressful strategy.  My goal to move you as quickly back toward health is to identify the chemical patterns…your cortisol is too high, and your estrogen is too low…and correct that…AND your emotional complexes, or patterns…which we might simply call your brand of stress…caretaking, fixing, advocating, etc.  If we can identify both the chemical shifts away from health, and the emotional complexes, we can truly treat you whole system…brain, mind, and body.

Back to the process…Once we identify a trigger, we might link it back to a past event or experience, but not absolutely.  The important part of reclaiming your health is to notice what patterns are happening right now.  And, the triggers you have currently are most likely connected to painful event from the past.

Touching on the hurt, and recalling the hurt, if only for a moment, allows us to treat your energy system most famous in Chinese medicine practice…the meridians.  Often this will release the energy and tension held in the body from the past hurt, and relieve the intensity of the CURRENT trigger.
  

Then we look at the meaning.  The meaning of any experience is completely based in belief…and belief is completely subjective.  If you think about some of the things you believed when you were a child, you will see that beliefs often change.

Next is the strategy…that is your action plan.  You may not have consciously thought out your action plan or strategy, in fact, many win/lose plans are devised as a child as reactions to something painful or uncomfortable.  I still have a love withdrawal strategy that sneaks out sometimes when I am really upset.  The only win in that strategy is hurting someone else, and that really isn’t a true win, so this is more of a lose/lose strategy.

Ultimately, changing the pattern requires taking action toward a new and well thought out strategy.  The nervous system changes with new input…and action is perhaps the most powerful input.  For one, it gives you something practical to do…do this…again…again…and again.  Repetition is the key to any change.  In fact, there is a book called “The Outliers” that suggests that all superstars, from the creator of Microsoft, Bill Gates, to the Beatles, to All Star hockey players, simply practice more.  So, if you want to be happy, you have to take an action step towards something that makes you happy…and do it again, and again.

After uncovering a strategy…such as the love withdrawal distancing and silence that I practiced for so many years…and was damn good at…we create an action step as simple as sharing my feelings.  Sounds simple, but the first time I tried that while I was triggered/upset, I was profusely sweating, to the point of soaking my shirt, as I forced the words out.  And now, during a recent marital upset, I couldn’t shut up.  There was a couple points at the height of the upset that I reverted back to old patterns and walked away…but in the end, our relationship grew as I shared my perspective and she her own.

I have been asked “So, what IS the difference between the stress and inflammation of a healthy person and a sick person?”  I believe, and have seen research studies that validate this theory, that there isn’t any greater intensity with the stressors we all “enjoy.”  Not that there isn’t a difference in intensity…if you compare sexual abuse to a late bill…most, if not all would agree sexual abuse is a higher intensity of stress.

The point is that there could be two people with the same stress, sexual abuse or late bills, and there is no clear association between the intensity of stress and their health.  One person with a late bill could have cortisol problems and the other does not.  One person who experienced sexual abuse could have severe inflammation and the other does not.

So, what is the difference?  It all goes back to stress capacity.

From a physiological perspective, we know that apparently healthy and emotional secure people become unstable with significant shifts in hormones.  For example post partum depression.  Most people are aware of the “normal” mother who drowned her children in a severe post partum depression.  We all know people who snap at you when they miss lunch.  If you are anemic, you are getting out of bed with a near full stress capacity, so spilled milk at breakfast seems overwhelming.

From an emotional perspective, if you have a “lose” strategy that you use over and over again, you are compromising your emotional needs (Read more HERE!).  This is no less significant than compromising your physiological needs (oxygen, glucose, nutrition).  For example, when I was “practicing” avoidance over and over again, I was costing myself connection, an emotional need.  If we are stuck in a pattern, we continue to get triggered, and keep using the same strategy that produces the same win/lose, or lose/lose results.  The repetition, like any repetition, creates efficiency…in this case, efficiency of surging cortisol or adrenaline.  In many ways, no differently than piano lesson create efficiency of finger movement and accuracy.

And, as powerful as functional medicine is, even if we adjust hormones, soothe inflammation, and ultimately relieve the symptoms…if the pattern remains, you end up with another problem or the same problem returns.

Case in point…I recently bumped into one of my “success stories” from my book.  It had been years since his full resolution of high blood pressure, failed back surgery, neuropathy in his feet, significant weight gain…he was “cured” of all his problems.  He reported that his blood pressure was again rising, and he had gained a bunch of weight again.  Still better than when I met him, but because we didn’t change him…literally…he was playing out the same patterns and sliding down the health mountain once again. 

Think about that…if YOU have a problem…taking supplements, following a diet, and exercising more doesn’t change YOU…it doesn’t change your triggers…it doesn’t change your strategies…it doesn’t change your patterns.

Only changing your thoughts and actions changes YOU…and permanently protects you from stress and inflammation overwhelm.  And if it is as “easy” as noticing our triggers, tapping some acupressure points to help relieve the tension, and taking action, a different action, towards supporting our human needs, would you try that…do that…if the end result is a huge RELIEF and movement towards health and healing??!!

Notice Your TRIGGERS!

I have identified 5 categories of Triggers…unfairness, ignoring, criticism, disruption, and ignorance.  Identifying triggers helps us identify our stress or inflammation patterns…identifying our patterns gives us an opportunity to change our lives and health. 

Unfairness:  My children are experts in the field of unfairness.  Every glass of lemonade MUST hit the same mark on the glass…popcorn must be counted out and evenly distributed.  “She’s got more than me!!”  Savannah, our eight year old, has watched the clock at bedtime, and notified me that I spent one minute longer laying with Sacred, our 6 year old, than I did with her, when I began to say goodnight to her…I stay one more minute…and she is satisfied.  Experiences of unfairness sensitize us to unfairness, much like too much sun sensitizes our skin if we burn.   

Ignoring:  Gates, one of our two year old twins, taught me a lesson of ignoring recently.  We were looking at a home to move in to…I was late, and the rest of the Stone crew was already running around the house.  I walked in and greeted the person showing the house.  He started telling me about the house, when Gates walked up and slugged me right in the groin.  He had zero tolerance for not being noticed and found a very effective way to avoid being ignored.  Experiences of being ignored sensitize us to being ignored until we “see” it everywhere. 

Criticism:  At a birthday party, Savannah shouted out the contents of a present, as the child was opening it up…the adults all laughed at her excitement, causing her to shrink into my leg.  She was so affected by this “criticism” that she wanted to be invisible.  If she could have crawled into my pocket, she would have.  Experiences of Criticism, sensitize us to being criticized. 

Disruption:  Sacred is fairly intolerant of disruption.  This is when her plans…her expectations… get messed up.  At times, Sacred will chase and play with the twins until they are all laughing so hard they can barely run.  But when she plays barbies…look out.  She has learned how to lock the door so the twins can’t “disrupt” her careful and intricate stories the Barbie boys and girls are living.  Sometimes they are having double weddings, and, when we talked about the Haiti Earthquake…they used nail polish to create the injuries of falling buildings on their barbies, and toilet paper to fully bandage all the survivors. 

Ignorance:  This is one of my triggers for sure.  Going back in time, I recall a simple statement from Sonya several years ago, that she was taking some herbs from her mom.  I was “guiding” her health at the time, and I looked at her with the “you’re stupid,” look.  I was incensed that she was ignorantly taking some herbs when I was trying to help her with my incredible knowledge base!  I don’t recall what I said, but it was defensive and hurtful…and the funny part is that I had no idea what the herb was at the time…and no knowledge if it could help her or hurt her.  I was the ignorant one. 

Triggers are like a bad sunburn and a buddy slapping you on the back.  If the skin sensitivity was normal, a nice pat on the back…even a good smack…is just a slap.  But with the sensitivity turned up, you will take notice and respond more dramatically.  You may jump, yell, frown, cringe, cry, or run.  The intensity of your reaction is in direct relation to the intensity of the sensitivity. 

Can you calm the sensitivity, just like a sunburn?  Absolutely.  You might know someone who takes criticism with appreciation, who responds to ignorance by improving communication, who sees unfairness as a normal part of life, who experiences disruption and can easily shift and “go with the flow.”  Sure, everyone has limits, we would all respond to a child being beaten, or dog, or a robbery.  We would also all respond differently. 

Noticing your triggers can be a significant assist toward healing your body. 

Honestly, I am still uncovering my sensitivity to ignorance.  Perhaps it comes from not being heard as a child…not understood…and not getting what I was needing.  Perhaps it comes from wanting certainty, which I didn’t have as a child…and my strategy for obtaining certainty…obtaining knowledge…Ignorance being the lack of knowledge (and really nothing more!!) 

Perhaps it was because of the many experiences I had where I felt like an idiot because I didn’t know…like when I wrecked my brother’s car by “popping the clutch” when I clearly should have known to hold that pedal down until the car was in neutral.  My brother’s anger brought home the point of how stupid I was, and I lost a valued vacation we were planning by breaking the car and the expense of repair. 

A simple glance back at the past will reveal some causes of your sunburn(s).  Noticing your triggers rather than discarding them or invalidating your upset is a significant movement towards HEALTH! 

Diagnosis "BROKEN"

There is a saying that goes like this…specializing is the process of knowing more and more about less and less, until…finally…you know everything about nothing.

As you know, the process of specialization is considered a virtue in medicine.  If you have complicated and resistant symptoms…you are sent from the general physician to the specialist, and if they can name your condition, you might have to go to the person who specializes in that particular condition.  The more specialized it seems…the longer the wait.  And, clearly…the higher the value.
 

In my book I talk about my theories of specialization as more of a population census.  Meaning, as doctors named more and more conditions, they needed to separate by system, then organ, then even by the specific cell involved…and who on earth could keep track of all those names.

The reason that this thought process popped into my little brain recently was a Facebook post by a high school buddy.  He said he finally found out what he has.  “Complex migraine with aura.”  He was relieved to have a name, as well as rule out stroke and seizure, and I would want that ruled out if I were having his symptoms also.  The question I ask then is, “what does that tell me about me?”  Since there is no known cause to migraine in medicine, what does this diagnosis tell this patient?

I ask this question to people attending my seminars, what does the diagnosis of diabetes, hypothyroidism, neuropathy, etc., etc., tell you about you?  I discuss how that name is given…either by a lab value of a cluster of symptoms…but what does it tell you about you?

I drag my feet awhile and let people think about it…and always, perhaps in different language or words, they come to the conclusion that they are broken.

Next question… “If you are broken, what do you do about that?”  You can’t fix broken.  Of course the answer is to take the symptom suppressing medication for the rest of your life.  Broken only ends with death.

In my buddy’s case, they treated him with anti-seizure medication…even though they ruled out seizure!  Does that sound like a good plan for life to inhibit the activity of your brain?  Now, given the options, suffer with incapacitating symptoms or take this drug…I too would take the drug.

But that isn’t the only option(s)!  Well, it is the only option in the name game.  Names which indicate broken-ness only can be managed.  But in the game of identifying imbalances and things we can change…well, the options are endless.

What about testosterone and estrogen ratios.  Anyone who reads or watches the news knows the effects of hormones on the brain.  What about blood sugar regulation…stress physiology and cortisol levels??  These are all measurable things that have significant impact on brain and vascular function…and all can be changed.

Brain function itself can be changed.  I have used simple therapies such as fast eye movements and performed neurological tests immediately afterward…and the test was performed better. 

We have so much capability to change your internal environment and functions…it is sad to me to see people accept this diagnosis of “broken.”  Not to mention the great relief for finally being identified as broken.

If anything is broken, it’s not you, it’s the medical system of naming and suppressing, and the specialization versus looking at the whole picture (hormones, stress, inflammation, brain function…)!

IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD!!

I have had patients who were told their problems are all in their head…sometimes not very…ummm…tactfully.  Well, let’s go ahead and dispel the myth of what is a head game and what is not.
 

First…think about it…I mean literally think about it.  What symptoms, conditions, or diseases would you consider to be “all in the head?”

Many people would say anxiety and depression…some would say fibromyalgia and other forms of non-pathological chronic pain.  How about phantom limb pain…has to be in the head right…since there’s no limb there to hurt. 

What about thyroid problems?  Cancer?  As we move into conditions we can “see” or “see” evidence of…like tumors or abnormal labs…most people would agree that now it’s NOT in the head.

In thyroid problems you can see abnormal lab values…but really, if you look at the thyroid gland itself…under a microscope…well, there’s not a darn thing wrong with that gland.

In cancer, there is something clearly wrong, that you can see with your own two eyes, sometimes feel with your own fingers…

I contend, in each and every example above…that it’s always in your head…and beyond!

In depression, there is nothing to see, and clearly that is a head game…but the number one cause of depression is low thyroid…and that is below your head.  But the number one cause of low thyroid is stress, and that is clearly in your head…unless you have an infection or anemia…those are below your head.

Unless you have a sinus infection, which is in your head…but not in your brain…so, does that still count?

Cancer is clearly evidenced in the body, but if you spend some time researching natural cures for cancer, the people who have accomplished success (remission), all changed their minds.  I have read many stories of natural cures, and the only thing in common was a big change in mindset.

Gosh, that brings up more confusion!  Are we talking about the mind (and what the heck is that), the brain, or emotions when we say it is all in your head?!?

My head is starting to hurt…I wonder if that is from my adrenal hormones (in my body), or if it’s “just in my head?”

Ok, Ok…I really don’t think it’s all that confusing…but that’s because I have been researching whole system medicine for pretty many years.  And here’s the short story…when your body changes your brain changes…when your mind changes, your brain changes, and when your emotions change, your brain changes. 

And…when your brain changes, everything else changes…because, it’s trying to keep you alive!

Your brain is taking in all this information, from your thoughts, feelings, internal and external environment…and attempting to REGULATE you towards survival.  And it doesn’t stop there…when survival is considered certain…it regulates toward thriving (growing, contributing, energy, pleasure), and reproducing.  (Did you think those urges were just naughty thoughts?)

Now, back to depression.  When you are depressed (and we ALL get depressed)…we can see physical changes…just look at the posture of someone who is depressed.  We can also, if we happen to have brain scans in our living room, see lowered activation and blood flow to the frontal cortex, and increased activation and blood flow to the limbic (emotional) centers.

What changes blood flow and activation?  Blood flow is regulated through hormones from the BODY. 

Activation is regulated through chemicals called neurotransmitters in the BRAIN.  Do you suppose the two might be connected?

Changes in hormones and neurotransmitters result from thoughts, feelings, and our internal and external environment.  And they always shift to improve survival probability.  So…if you are depressed…what is the improved survival associated with depression??? 

Think about that one for a minute or two! 

I would say that your mind-body-brain is telling you to slow down and notice something!  Your job is to figure out if it is a feeling, thought, something in your external environment or something in your internal environment.  (Which is where I come in…to help solve that mystery!)

And on to cancer…clearly a “real” problem that we can see.  But where does it begin, and how does it progress to a tumor?  We know that there are 3 built in mechanisms to remove cell mutation.  The first two lines of defense are within the cell…coded in the DNA to self destruct.  The failure of survival DNA is the result of one process…called oxidation. 

The biggest cause of accelerated DNA and failure of survival genes within our lifetime is stress.  So, it really is in our head!

The third line of defense is our immune system, in particular our “Natural Killer Cells.”  These little destroyers implode mutated cells on sight.  If they are weak or few in number, these mutated cells with broken survival DNA become the survivors and thrive in this altered internal environment…making a tumor.

One huge reason for low populations of Natural Killer Cells is stress.

Back to the head.

When someone tells you it’s in your head…they probably just don’t know how to explain what you are experiencing or what they are seeing.  If someone tells you it is always in your head…now, let’s fix your head…they probably “get” this whole system form of medicine.  And…probably…will be able to help you.
 

When I am feeling depressed because I am not the mainstream, and I have to work harder and smarter for a small percentage of patients and much less money…I remind myself of my quality of life.  I work with people busting their butts to get well…I rarely look at what I see dumbfounded…and I never run people out of my office saying it’s in your head.  My quality of life is low stress…that will save my survival DNA, my hormones, my brain, my body.

I just remember that… and I can smile…

TRIGGERS

If you want to be healthy, you have to identify your patterns and break them!  Triggers are great starting points toward identifying patterns.  Triggers are experiences you have that send you into a significant emotional state, unable to make conscious choices…you hurt the ones you love, and that hurts you. 

This is a real experience that one person shared.  After the story, I will share how to change this pattern. 

I had a terrible tooth abscess while on vacation over memorial day holiday. On Sunday, I had to fly home with my two kids by myself after spending 7 hours in the ER the night before.  My husband/their father had taken a separate trip and would not be arriving home until midnight Monday. I got my older daughter to school Monday morning, called on the help of a friend, and stayed at her house until that evening.  She kept the kids and I came home to try and rest.  That didn't happen.  The infection was getting worse, despite two strong antibiotics (however, no dentist were available until Tuesday).  

My husband got home at 1:45 AM barely spoke to me and went to sleep.  I had to wake him up at 4 to take me back to the ER.  While at the ER we had a small trigger but I was really too sick to even get that upset.  I spent the next week getting put to sleep, having the tooth extracted, and basically incoherently sick.  

I started feeling somewhat better on Saturday night, when my husband wanted to go out and see some music.  I told him I didn't like the idea and he said that he deserved to go because he had to take the week off from work to take care of the kids and myself.  I succumbed and didn't say much else about it.  

However, when I woke up on Sunday morning and walked downstairs~the house was a WRECK!!! Everyone knows I am a little OCD about a clean house.  I proceeded to yell at my children (in front of a friend who had come over) and then yell at my husband.  I totally freaked out on everyone until I was literally nauseous and had to go back to bed!  After awaking from the nap the family had cleaned up and I apologized to everyone.  But it was really explosive and felt like such a jerk!

Anyone have any guesses???   I would call this trigger disruption.  Disruption ruins certainty and comfort, one of our emotional needs.  Disruption wrecks our plan, our expectations. 

When we are sensitized to a trigger, there is something in the past that felt painful and acted like a stamp or imprint on our nervous system, specific to that trigger.  It could have been Dad not showing up for something important, moving and losing friends, or an annoying big sister that always wrecked the fun…and many more. 

As a result of these experiences, we adopt strategies to avoid the pain.  Two common strategies are to do everything yourself, and invisibility.  As you can see, this person wanted her husband to act differently on a couple occasions…but didn’t request the action.  This is invisibility.  Don’t ask and don’t get disappointed.  But, she isn’t getting her needs met…she is experiencing disruption several times before she can’t take it any longer.  Things aren’t going the way she wants and expects. 

I would use an acupressure tapping regimen to reduce the charge, the emotional charge, on the trigger (disruption), and ask her to make a couple simple changes.  Perhaps making agreements with her family towards what she wants.  Would you agree to do this, and that, and more of this?  I would ask her to not expect that all her requests will be granted, but to make a list full enough that if she got one, she would be elated.  I would have her playfully ask for everything she could think of…if the urge hit…say it…the more ridiculous the better.  “I would like a foot massage right now.” 

Doing something different begins to break the pattern of stress and inflammation.  It provides the space to soothe stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline.  This opens the door to wake up her energy and metabolism.  It takes time to shift hormones naturally, but she would be feeling more energized every week…as long as she did what I asked her to. 

It isn’t easy to break stressful and inflammatory patterns.  The more she plays it like a game, the less emotional resistance she would feel.  She will surely run into things she just can’t ask, but by practicing the easy ones at first, it will become her natural way of being…she will be in a new pattern. 

The Five Patterns of Inflammation

If the five stress patterns are win lose patterns in which you give away your energy…the inflammation patterns are exhaustion through defending yourself.  Think of this in terms of big picture…yes, the immune system is the defense system internally, and can lead to immune or autoimmune problems, but let’s look at the patterns of defense that exhaust your health!

Pattern 1: The hero or warrior pattern.  You want to overcome unfairness…protect those in need.  Again, a good thing…until taken too far.  Obviously, even a superhero can risk harm…if superman doesn’t avoid kryptonite, well, he is vulnerable…the win lose in this pattern starts with expending too much energy…going beyond your capacities, not watching out for kryptonite.  When overdone, you might shift from protector to attacker…and you get attacked back…that is the nature of defending.  So, when taken too far, and your greatest value is protecting from hurt…you hurt…and that hurts you.  So you withdraw, but the unfairness is such a motivation, you see people being hurt…they depend on you…you can’t sit back and watch it…you are compelled to defend…if you protect you…it hurts…and when you protect others…it hurts. 

Pattern 2: The revolutionary or rebel pattern.  You want growth, but to achieve this, you choose opposition instead of direction.  The world is NOT RIGHT…people are in pain…people are suffering, so I must do things differently.  Overdone, this becomes counterculture…being different for the sake of being different.  Because it is defensive in nature, you turn people off or push them away.  That hurts…so you withdraw, but you see so much evil…commercialism…war…and turn away again…pain or pain…You disconnect from “the way things are” or you suffer in silence.

Pattern 3:  This is the teacher or creator pattern…bringing new ideas into realization…overdone becomes the fixer.  You have the solution, but nobody will follow your command…and I say command because it may come off as just that.  You decide that the only one who gets it is you, so you adopt a do it yourself pattern.  If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself!  The burden of taking on everyone elses responsibility takes its toll…pain…so you pull back, only to see everything go to heck…burden myself…or nothing gets done right…win/lose either way…

Pattern 4:  This is the true leadership or ruler type…you simply want to make things work, but you keep getting the experience of betrayal…overdone this is the perfectionist or achiever…always doing more toward connection…you get betrayed or criticized and you defend…it might be a lawsuit, or it might be an argument…still you are defending your actions.  “I did everything I could to help this person/institution” …pleasing…defending…both ways, it hurts

Pattern 5:  This is the Jester…using wit to get others to see your way…when overdone, it feels, sounds or looks like sales…the experience is that YOU are right, but nobody gets that…you TRY convincing and proving…but you get more disbelief and resistance…the more you convince, the less you are understood…that hurts…so you withdraw…and you see people so close to seeing what you see…you are exhausted by ignorance, but can’t get your message heard…back to wit and convincing…still pain…

All these exhaustive patterns have simple solutions…patterns a broken by different actions…different communications.  You must be willing to look at yourself and change, and nourish yourself where you were defending or giving away your energy.