Helping Others

It is an innate desire, perhaps need, to be helpful to others.  Contribution is an essential energy that flows into significance and love/connection.

But…there is nothing more exhausting than trying to help someone who doesn’t want help.  For both sides! 

So, what do you do?  It’s a fact that people will tell you their problems.  It’s also a fact that it doesn’t mean they want your help.  

One more fact…some people even make a career out of complaining about their life.  And are committed to NOT doing something different (the only way to get a different result!).

There are others who are clearly heading into disaster, yet don’t see the negative direction. 

We can still be helpful to those people, and all people, while protecting your energy from chronic complainers…what to know how?  Let’s take an example.

Carol is struggling with depression, fatigue, and muscle pain all over.  When she calls, she does nothing but complain about her health, her husband, kids, job, politics, food, and anything she can think of.  You are exhausted by the time you end the call, not because of the complaining, but because you want to help her, and either strain to not say anything (because you know how poorly it has gone), or you actually try to convince her to do something different, which didn’t go well…AGAIN.  

The first thing you have to change is your mindset.  Realize that everyone has pain (of some sort), and that their growth process is dependent on that pain reaching a certain threshold (level) which will lead to a DECISION to change.  So your best and most loving intention toward their healing and growing is to INCREASE their pain!  

So the next time she calls, instead of waiting and dreading the complaining, you lead the conversation…right into her pain.  

“Hi, Carol, how are you doing?…last time you mentioned that your husband never helps you and your back is so painful you can barely stand for a few minutes……really, no better…and probably a bit worse.  That must be horrible…frustrating…exhausting…horrific…”

Yup…instead of comforting or reassuring, you amplify the pain using powerful words to empathize with the pain.  The results you get is how you define how well you do, right?  Well, if she says, “Well, it’s not quite that bad.”  …then you are an over achiever!  

If the person is an “innocent” pattern (counts on the best and is not facing the reality of pain), this is exactly what they need.  Keep asking and inquiring… “Wow, that knee looks bad…you look exhausted…”

That is exactly what they need.  Keep their attention on the problem.

If the person is a “complainer,” then the next step is what they really need.  They need to notice that what they are doing is not working.  They need to notice that it is critical that they do SOMETHING differently.  You still need step one, because, as I mentioned, they have to reach a threshold of pain to make that decision.

Step two is checking resources.  “What are you doing about that?”

You will discover a couple patterns here.  One is another variant of the innocent. “I’m doing what my doctor says.”  Another is the martyr pattern.  “Well, what can I do, this is how it is.”  

Pattern one needs step 3A:  “How is that working?”  They need a reality check.  And your intention at this point is to amplify failure.  Not a criticism, just the awareness that what they are doing is not achieving their desires.  

“Are you feeling better…is he communicating better…is it improving…what do you think is missing?”

And, of course, if she says she is feeling better with her resources, you just stay there.  If the complaint comes again, you ask… “I thought you said you were improving…is it still getting better?  Oh no, that is horrible, etc….back to step one (amplify the pain), and start over.  

Pattern two needs step 3B: “Do you think that anybody, ever, has solved that problem?”  They need a model.  (no, not Sports Illustated swimsuit models…somebody to model their behavior after).  And your intention at this point is to amplify possibility.  Not a solution, just the possibility of a solution.

“Do you think there is a solution…what do you think it might be…who has overcome depression…what do you think they did…do you think that might work for you…why (not)…”

We are at step 3, and it is important to note that you never move forward a step if you don’t have a green light.  If they don’t see the problem, you stay at step one.  “Wow, that looks painful…wow, that looks painful.”  Repeat and repeat.  

If they have a resource, you only ever notice the resource.  “How is that going?”

If they are stuck, you only ever notice positive models.  “I read an article about so and so beating depression.”

Step 4 is so critical to your energy!  You have to ask if they want your help or opinion!  And only if they acknowledge the pain, and agree that what they are doing is not working.  

“Would you like my opinion (help)?”

“No.”  Back to step 2.  “Well, what are you going to do?”

“Yes.”  That’s a green light for step 5.  Are you prepared?  Can you help them?  Absolutely.  They are here because you are the right person.  But don’t just give them opinion…give them experience.  If you don’t have experience with their problem, give them an expert.  

“Here’s what I did…or…here’s a book written by someone who overcame your situation.”  Other resources to provide might be a doctor, therapist, minister…anyone with specialized knowledge in solving her problem.  

Rinse and repeat.  

Carol calls again…this time it is her kids.  She complains…and complains.  And you are ready.  “Wow, that sounds horrible…frustrating…exhausting…mind boggling.  What are you going to do?  Oh, how wonderful…let me know how that works.  It’s not working…Oh, no…what will you do next?  Is that working?  Terrible, you must be incensed!  What will you do next?  Not sure…would you like my opinion…?”

Just remember…you had to reach a certain level of pain to ask for help.  And quite possibly, your first resource didn’t work, and kept you looking.  So, don’t stress over their problem…amplify it and get them looking too.  

If you find ANY situation that doesn’t move forward using this process, email me and I’ll see if I can figure out some other patterns and solutions. 

Don’t Help Someone Who Doesn’t Want Help!

Chances are, you have heard me say this before.  Well, this weekend I witnessed the PERFECT demonstration of the negativity and “bad energy” of trying to do just this (helping)!

Every summer, Asheville hosts a music and arts festival called Belle Chere.  On one particular corner, there is a clash between a group of people representing Christianity, and a group of people representing something like, “Don’t Judge Me.”  (add expletives)

Now don’t make this about Christianity or Judgment.  I think Christianity can have a beautiful and comforting message when delivered in the right way (which may be different for different people). 

And, I think judgment is a personal choice (yup, we choose and allow judgment personally…100%)…even a bullhorn cannot make you good or bad, it’s always an inside job.  

This is about a horrible exchange of energy.  One side sees a group destined for suffering.  They choose to be “helpful” by shouting (bullhorns) into their faces, “you’re wrong.”  The other side feels judged, and makes signs saying “you’re a bleep-bleep” and by screaming back in their faces.  

Oh, so clear to see…bad communication…harmful energy…

But wait…apply this directly to you.  Chances are the actions and results in your own life are not so obvious.  You are not shouting in someone’s face (are you!?).  

Wherever and whenever we get defensiveness in response, we are lacking resourceful communication and influence.  Defensiveness is anything OTHER than COOPERATION.  (Sorry for the shouting)  It could just be ignoring you, for example.  

Let’s go back to the extreme examples.  I might advice the Christian side to put more energy into “modeling.”  Be the person that people look at and say… “Wow, I want to be more like that.”  

I’d advise that they amplify the pain.  Notice the struggle or negative behavior.  “I see that the amount of alcohol you drink causes you to bump into other people…and some get mad…how do you feel about that?”

I’d advise that they empathize.  “That sounds terrible…I know how you feel…last year at Belle Chere, I shouted at everyone using a bullhorn…boy did some of them get mad…it felt horrible.”

I’d advise that they ask for permission.  “May I offer you some advice from my experience?”

I might advise the judged side to put more energy into modeling.  (Be happy and secure).  Amplify the pain. (Clearly someone with a bullhorn is pained by not being heard…Hmmmm…)  Empathize.  (It’s fine, I remember how unreasonable I was when nobody would listen to me about…)  And if they couldn’t help themselves, and had to say something, to ask for permission to advise.  (I have my doubts this would work though…I’d stick with not hearing them).

Any ideas how to apply that to more subtle “lack of cooperation?”  Kids, spouse, work, etc.?

This is my Boundary!

“I’ll tell you what you can do!  Take a flyin’ leap!” 

Did you ever feel like telling someone how inappropriate they were?  Maybe even beating some BUTT!?!  

I commend you for standing up for your energy!  I also want you to make sure it is serving your energy. 

 

Case in point:  Fabulous woman, who had incredible healing under our guidance.  She got her energy back, and could meet her needs.  In fact, she once said that she had never felt such energy (at age 64) ever before in her life.  I helped her discover how to meet her needs.  

Next thing you know, she is finding herself in a romantic relationship.  Very natural…after our own personal needs are met, connection and love are the next logical needs.  She was giddy in love and passion!  

This went on for months, and her health increased to levels she never assumed possible.  Until…human reality set in.  

As you tighten a bond with an individual, more of you…and more of them…is revealed.  And one night, her partner, lover and her passion, got mad.  Yes, it got ugly.  Emotions were strewn about the room.  Anger hit the ceiling, and loving communication became a battle for right and wrong.  

Now, for anyone in a lengthy relationship, you know this is not out of the ordinary.  As my partner, Sonya, and I deepen our relationship, we continually hit snags and snarls, and we have graduated from “I’m not talking to you,” (mostly me), to yelling, and even grown up discussion at times.  The fact is, we all endured pain to end up where we are, and as we deepen a relationship, we see more of the hurt, and the hurt often strikes back.  

When her partner got upset, and did the immature things that upset (emotionally charged) people do, she stood up for herself.  She held her boundary by pushing this person away.  She made a stand and said no way, I will not put up with this behavior. 

She reported to me on her next visit the details of this experience.  But instead of congratulating her on her stand for self, I wondered to her what she might be losing.  I asked her when she might find the person who never gets mad.  I suggested that she consider a different boundary.  

If you stand firm on a boundary, you have to consider if the boundary is good for you, good for others, and good for the greater good.  I immediately realized that she is pushing good away, thereby losing good in her own life.  Not a good plan.  

In her pushing her partner away for getting mad and not being reasonable, what good was served?  She may have been empowered with her stance, but she lost connection and love.  He lost love, and they both lost a relationship.  

I wondered (to her) if a boundary that included connection and love was possible.  What would it look like to meet the greater good (partnership, love, connection), and still meet the need of safety or considerate communication?  I suggested that what she really wanted was to stand up for the way someone communicated a need.  

Let’s face it…if she required a partner that never lost his cool, she will live a pretty lonely life.  We all need to teach our partners how to respond to us when upset.  Sure it can be awkward at first, but speaking from the heart is always a good start.  

“I was really frightened from your response, and I need to feel safe with you…when you get upset, would you be willing to tell me how you feel in that moment and then take a time out away from me to regain your composure?  Then we can come back together and calmly work it out.  Would you agree to do that?”  

Here is the interesting part.  She stuck to her decision for many months, and during that time she began to have symptom regression.  She was virtually symptom free, feeling great…and then some pain returned, then headaches, then fatigue…  She was slowly heading for where she started!  

 I often reminded her what I thought she really needed during her visits.  And then finally, she spoke from her heart.  She said something like I wrote above…and they awkwardly decided how to handle upsets.  I’m sure it will need some fine tuning, but it was a Win-Win agreement.  

Next visit, she was virtually symptom free once again.  

Here’s an analogy I often use…  If you were in an abusive relationship, which might be your spouse, or your relationship with sugar or even yourself (self-criticism)…and it was habitually abusive, perhaps several times a day…no amount of natural medicine could soothe the stress physiology going on inside you.  It would be one step forward and one step back, day after day.  

My experience is that most of the daily stress we endure can be overcome with natural medicine, but there are cases like this where a change in action is needed.  It wasn’t that she had to be in a relationship to be healthy…it was that she had to stand up for her winning.  Even if the sharing had turned out awfully, I believe her spirit would have healed, regardless, just from the gesture.  She had to stand up and state that what she wanted was important.  

Another case that is related…  A patient discontinued care after she asked me about antibiotics and I went on something of a tirade about the evils of them.  She felt like I responded by making her wrong for asking.  She felt upset that I didn’t respond with compassion.  

Using the Win-Win concept, did she win with her choice?  Did I win?  Did the relationship win?  

She consulted with me because she has a chronic health challenge.  I have specialized knowledge in overcoming health challenges.  I honestly don’t absolutely know I could have helped her, but she sacrificed that possibility, by pushing me away.  I certainly didn’t achieve my desire, of helping….and we didn’t create a successful team.  Lose-Lose-Lose.   

Could she have created a win-win boundary?  Of course…it might look like this.  

“When you responded so negatively to my question, I felt belittled and then upset that you got on your soap box and talked down to me…that is not ok with me.  When I ask you a question, I need you to hear me fully and respond calmly and considerately…would you be willing to treat me this way when we communicate.”  

Dang…I would have apologized…I would have had incredible respect for her standing up for her boundary…and I would have been on my best behavior during her visits!  I would have never forgotten that confrontation, which was kind, gentle, and yet solid.  And she would have won on all levels. 

Consider what you are giving up in holding boundaries…or giving in to, by allowing boundary crossing without confronting (the kind, gentle, firm approach).  

The concepts here are my interpretation of a book called “NonViolent Communication.” (Which I consider to be one of the best quality natural medicines!)